monday monday

not a good day. or maybe just not a good night. it's one of those lonely mother fucker nights where the mopey-ness only creates more mopey-ness. i get sad and dwell and decide not to leave the room which certainly doesn't help the situation. just makes me more sad. it's not good. i just feel completely incapable of making friends. i either seem overly eager or like a distant bitch. there is apparently no happy medium. this needs work. i want friends who i can be the person i want to be around. which sounds really dorky. i feel like maybe i should work on liking myself and doing self-fulfilling things before concerning myself with why others don't like me. that doesn't seem healthy or productive.  i've known people like brianne before and i'm never fully sure how i feel about them. they seem to only have extremes. they're either having bitchin' times and in love with everyone or they're really sad or angry or think everyone is dumb or hates them. only really high highs and really low lows.  i'm slightly envious at times. during the lows, not so much. i remain pretty level-headed and in the middle with my moods. maybe this is why i'm not attractive as a friend prospect. not sure. not dwelling. going to do my own thing and other shit will fall in place.

in other news, i'm in need of some action. everyone seems like a prospect. standards are being lowered. this is a bad situation. 

i just want a job that i love and a solid, bearded husband with a stable job and two or three beautiful, healthy children and a home that i can love and decorate and make things in and a group of friends who will come over to cook dinner with me and get tipsy off wine on the back porch with me. my parents lifestyle is becoming more and more enviable. i want love and stability. i'm aging.

it'll be so odd not to have christmas at their house anymore. i don't like being away. i don't know how i will handle it when it happens for either of them. considering i generally tear up at the very thought. if that happens i will just want to hold my grandpa for a long long time. seeing him cry would really set me off. i'm no good at this. no good no good no good. 

just a sunday

woke up hella fucking late today. like. one in the afternoon. which is absolutely unheard of for me. went into the city with julie bare and brianne and kevin. seperated from the group in search of cheap ass boots. i am absolutely the worst shopper in the world. i'm completely intimidated by salespeople and other customers. i pace. i sweat. i'm indecisive. i spent an hour in one store just walking up and down and holding different shoes and walking with said shoes and thinking and not making any decisions. tomorrow i think i'm going back to buy the one pair. they're kind of ugly. but meh. i just need the warmth of boots. i love having warm feet in cold weather. it's a new sensation for me. same back home. put in the big lebowski. fell asleep promptly after. woke up around 8:30. friends join. snuggling ensued. movies were viewed in succession. annie hall then being john malkovich. we need more movies in our collection. woke up and putzed around. i won't be able to sleep again. and i need to wake up early tomorrow morning to accomplish some things. 

in other news my halloween costume options have been narrowed down:

1. alex from a clockwork orange. suspenders and canes fucking rock. and i could wear sweet ass fake eyelashes. a little too pretentious perhaps? perhaps.

2. klaus from team zissou. light blue shirt and shorts. red hat. fake gun. ta. da. again, a little pretentious. and i feel like this would be better with a group.

3. high waisted cut-offs. hot pink bra. sleezy top over that. ratted up hair. over the top sloppy ass make up. chain smoking cigarettes. when they ask me what i am i say 'yer mom'. delightful. definitely a possibility. 

i'm hyped for of montreal on friday. and decemberists on the friday after that. a little jealous of the ease with which brianne seems to make friends. i don't know when i became so bad at this. i understand though. my outward personality does not lend itself to friends. people don't want to know me all that badly. i seem very bland. maybe i am bland? it's a possibility. i just want some good ass homies that will come over and get crunk with me on weeknights. we can chill and knit and watch movies and bitch and craft and get our drink on. or make food. i miss the 717. transition. remember.  

blackouts and knitting

moderately good friday night. 

went to rons with alex, julie, mercedes, and mike. two cups of gin bucket, one shot of something blue, one shot of rum, a 50/50 rum and coke, and a shot of vodka later, things got real fuzzy. apparently i let sketchy-ass mitch and behar smoke in my room? weird. no bueno. not good at all. what freaks me out the most is i don't know what i said to them. and i say weird ass shit when i'm gone. apparently i also met someone who is friends with mariel (what are the odds) and proceeded to tell him that i hooked up with joe who is kind of going out with mariel. mistakes abound. i'm done for a while. until next week most likely. i just want to be able to party with good friends. that's the best. i miss that. you win some  you lose some apparently. 

on a brighter note, i went thrifting with julie and mercedes today. acquired some choice cardigans. one beautiful cherry colored one with giant gold buttons. so good! i also picked up some old national geographics which are always beautiful finds. came home and it was rainy rainy blah weather. so we all cuddled up and watched robin hood men in tights then the princess bride. i finished knitting jimmy's hat! it is beautiful! he looks beautiful in it! i love him mucho mas. i think we're going to do some more movie watching tonight. then some more knitting. crazy saturday night. you win some you lose some. it's been one of those lonely type days. i was all over poor mike last night who actually seems like a really nice, legit person. and i tried to hit on some guy in a green shirt with the line "you shirt would work very effectively on a green screen". fail. social skills = faltering. to be worked on for sure. it's right up there with the el sorcho fiasco. i guess i just assume that everyone wants to make friends as much as i do. it'll get better. TRANSITION.

reunion in the steel city

so i made the ridiculously heinous trip to pittsburgh this past weekend with corrie and anna in tow. our time tally looks like this:

one hour to the wrong train station

one hour waiting at said train station 

two hours home

half and hour eating and catching up with my mom

four hours driving to pittsburgh.

totally worth it though. we got to see tasia and jayda and eric (who has grown some ridiculous facial hair in the past two months. like. crazy goatee and french mustache. and his hair is puffy and out of control. and he was wearing flannel pajama pants which just added to his ridiculous appearance) and tyler and fisher and sarah and ally and joe. so many people. when ally and sarah rolled up to pitt we all screamed and ran into the street and hopped into their car (they were stopped at a red light).  all sorts of adventures ensued which i won't completely detail but it was just so nice to see everyone again. i know i can keep in touch with them online or through the mail and i definitely do but it's so nice to see them in real life. just being in their presence made me so happy and grateful to have them in my life. i'm becoming one of those uncontrollable smiling people. when i see certain people that i love i just can't stop smiling. when my parents and brother came to visit me a few weeks ago even though i knew they were all in horrible, pissy moods because of traffic i just couldn't get the stupid grin off my face. i have grown to love people from home so much. it feels wonderful. 

in other news, i've joined some clubs. hyphen, the literary magazine where i get to read and help judge submissions; honors activities board, where i'm the freshman housing representative so i get to do all sorts of odd jobs and be the main correspondent between honors and the freshman and help plan things; and TUComedy, which means improv and being around funny people and hopefully getting funnier. the one girl who runs it is ridiculously funny and so put together- she has her shit down. standup routine. youtube videos. it's really inspiring. i need to start getting things together. like

-christmas gifts

-more etsy-ing

-new zine

-more traveling!

-more improv and standup and videos! 

-silk screening!

just more of everything. no more naps. no more sitting. constant motion. 

AGITATE AGITATE AGITATE.