it was a relaxing day

i don't like crying. but only because of the way it makes my face looks and because it makes me hyperventilate and when i start i can't stop. but the actual physical process of crying is wonderful. i love the feeling before you start to cry. when you can feel it in your throat and your eyes kind of burn. it's wonderful. it's the same feeling you get when you tell someone off and really really scream. i used to scream in my car coming home or late at night. just to make sure i could do it. i never really have an opportunity to scream- like bloody murder, as loud as possible scream. and i wanted to make sure i could do it. and then i discovered how wonderful it feels. anytime i expel any great deal of emotion i feel wonderful. i feel physically lighter. 

it dawned on me today that anytime i really cry- not cry about broken microwaves or someone yelling at me or getting rejected from gov school (because those were the only other things that made me cry)- it's related to family. i don't cry about boys. if anything i just get angry and take a hammer to my garage (sidenote: i really do think i have an anger problem and i should probably learn to keep it in check so i don't go pummeling someone's face in with my bare fists). i cry just thinking about anyone in my family being sick or dying. it just really upsets me a lot. 

i also discovered that my favorite song is 'say it ain't so'. or it has definitely won a spot on my top five. possibly three. this revelation came in circuit city today.

another epiphany came to me this week as well though it definitely has occurred to me before. i'm a personality person! any guy who has ever liked me, has done so only after knowing me for an extended period of time. i am never one to attract guys with my looks. it's always personality. and i think that's okay. as long as i learn how to like them back. see, in most cases, it goes like this: i like guy; guy likes my friend; i give up on guy, end up becoming good friends with the guy, then three months to two years later, they like me. but generally by then i know too much about them to ever like them. kevin, eric, joe, neil. these are ones that come to mind. what a terrible cycle. i must break it.

'the cn tower belongs to the dead' is also on the top five. possibly three.

i'm on shuffle if you couldn't tell. 

tomorrow: 

casa

buy new needles

finish cleaning

run

silkscreen dvd

record rap

wii/burning neil's shit party. 

a good time will be had by all.