how to celebrate saint patrick's day

1. go home to harrisburg to party with your parents because after yeas of experience, they're the only ones who know how to do saint patty's day right. they have all the beads and pins and boas and hats and they know where to go to boogie down.
2. hang out with your parents friends. people your parents age don't have homework on saturday. they have jobs and make money. they're looking to kick back on the weekends and have the cash to do so. these people get wild though, so be forewarned. the also bring their own jello shots and snacks into the bar. total badasses.
3. call your friend kim and invite her to join you as a wingman (not for picking up dudes but for support as the only other person under the age of 40). give her vague details about the event so she doesn't flake out.
4. make sure your mom is tap dancing in the parade.
5. make masks of your mom's face to hand out and wear during the parade so she knows you support and love her. because that's how you show support and love, right? by wearing the other person's face?
6. start drinking with your dad around noon. say yes to all irish car bombs, flaming dr. pepper shots, pints of guinness, and lumberjack shots. try to keep up with your former president-of-his-frat father.
7. get neato burrito for lunch midday and nearly melt into a puddle because it's so delicious.
8. take your mom's friend wendy to get her first neato burrito. watch the joy spread across her face with the first bite.
9. hit up a total of 3 bars, staying out until 11pm.
10. mingle with your parents co-workers and ex-coworkers and bunko friends and tap friends and neighbor friends. hear them all talk about how weird it is that you're old enough to drink now. every now and then, you'll run into someone who has to physically walk about because it's freaking them out so much.
11. run into old people from high school. be reminded of how glad you are you're no longer in high school.
12. load up the juke box with your dad's favorite songs because he's the best for sing-a-longs and your mom will dance to anything.
13. wow the bar with a rousing rendition of bohemian rhapsody.
14. never stop playing with the masks of your mom's face.
15. go home and eat an entire package of bacon with your dad. spread peanut butter on it. the 'it' being the bacon and not your dad.
16. think about how lucky you are to have such incredible parents and how nice it is that you enjoy spending time with them.
17. think about how weird it is that you went out to drink in your hometown for the first time.
18. call kim in the morning to make sure she got her flight and apologize for failing to initially tell her that going to the saint patrick's day parade was really code for marathon day drinking with my parents.