my wallet and a stripper's g-string have a lot in common

example: they both have a lot of ones stuffed in them.

or they both have gonorrhea.

i have so many things i want to write on here! when you work in a deserted coffee shop, and find that you are no longer interested in experimenting with the flavored syrups because even the sight of them makes you want to projectile vomit everywhere, you really have no choice but to do an extensive amount of thinking. mostly scholarly thinking. this thinking leads to lists on the back of recipts and order forms which are then shoved into your purse and forgotten. UNTIL, you happen to spill salad greens in your purse and are forced to clean it out. then you find the lists again and are reminded of your brilliance and decide to share your brillance with the entire blogsophere (or the five people who read your blog!)

so here are the thoughts i have thunk while bored at work! in list form!

1. i hate crocs. but you know what's even worse than crocs? knock-off crocs. ya'll can't even spring for brand name ugly. you're putting generic awful on your feet.

2. i've noticed that whenever i come across a new bathroom, i always pick a stall and decide that it shall be my stall. then, whenever i use it in the future, i always go to that stall. i will wait for that stall. i feel like we have a relationship. it is familiar.

3. i'm more afraid of being attacked by a water animal than a land animal because i feel that water animals (or creatures. . . ) have a much bigger advantage. i could fight an animal on land (or endure its attack with greater ease) because the land is my turf too. i know the land. i live on the land. but in the water, well, that's not where i roll. that's not my turf. they have too big an advantage. the thing was over before it even began.

4. after seeing snakes on a plane, i've noticed that i spend a lot of time thinking about places snakes could hide. they could be anywhere. give me a room, i'll tell you where the snakes will be.

5. at work, when parents are obnoxious or stealing kisses, i've found that i enjoy politely humiliating them instead of just outright scolding them. the polite humiliation method is just much more satisfying and often results in just plain embarrassed and bashful adults as opposed to angry or attitude-y adults.

6. i always forget how much space i'm taking up when i wear a bookbag. i forget that it's like having a whole other body. i hit people with that shit all the time.

7. i saw a little girl wearing an abortion shirt. it just said "ABORTION". why would you let your child wear that to chocolate world? why do they even make a little girl sized abortion shirt? how does an 8-year old know what abortion is? that just seems wrong. and unfair. and i feel like a lot of parents are going to be pretty upset when they go to chocolate world for some family fun and have their first grader who just learned how to sound things out asking about abortion instead of where candy comes from. just saying.

8. i think an angle the anti-drug campaigns have been ignoring- which could be very effective- is the whole cost issue. sure, drugs are bad and get you in trouble and kill you or whatever, but i think what's going to be the biggest deterrent is the price. drugs are expensive. everyone knows you'll have to pay some ridiculous suburban markup for a plastic bag full of oregano or some kid's ridilin- that's the obvious cost- but where it really hits you is the munchie section. can you really afford to be droppin' fifteen bucks at sheetz every time you blaze? are you a millionaire? i don't think so. you can't afford to do drugs hot shot. stick to vandalism.

9. i would like to drink out of mason jars more often. i feel like someone who sits on railroad tracks whenever i do.

in other news, my usb cord fell into some friendship bread batter today and is now broke. wamp wamp.

also: remind me to tell you about the olive oil incident.