new shoes: hideous? or glorious? or a strange combination of both?

i'm drawn to ugly things for some reason. and in all fairness, i've had my eye on them for quite a while. i'm just a sucker for fringe and soft fur lining. so when they were on clearance today for twelve bucks, i knew it was fate. they're super comfy. sorry about the awkward picture. my usb is still out of commission (i wiped off the dough right after the incident, but i think some still dried in the little metal thing. so it goes. i'll get a new one off of k.dubs. he always has like fifty laying around. such is the life of an i.t. nerd. or the daughter of a computer geek.)

i went to see away we go with my little brother tonight. that's what's so great about siblings- they have to be your friend. they're born into the friendship. so when i come home at ten and demand that he come see a movie with me, he has to. or mom will be mad. ahh, best friends.

anyway, i was already fairly certain i was going to like the movie considering dave eggers and his wife wrote the screenplay and john krasinski was in it. i was just naturally biased. and in fact, i did really enjoy it. i laughed very hard at certain parts and teared up at others. the love story part (which wasn't really the main focus) was just so beautiful. i've been thinking about a lot about love recently, which sounds so hokey, but regardless, i've been thinking about it. i've come to the conclusion that a lot of my issues with guys stem from the fact that i have completely forgotten that they have feelings and are capable of actually liking girls in an emotional ways. this seems so basic, but i think a combination of experience and rap music has lead me to believe otherwise. and since i think boys don't have feelings, i have thus, turned off all of my feelings and capacity for liking anyone in anything other than a physical sense because i have subconsciously decided that these emotions are unimportant and void and in general, unnecessary in the game. (game as in the post-modernist sense- thank you dr. jacob kim for rewiring my brain. now all i think about are how things look in light of the author and what the rules are and the field and blah blah blah. thanks a lot. i hate sports.) anyway, this conclusion has been reached at a perfect time- a time when i was beginning to wonder why i hadn't had an honest crush on anyone in over two years. this is why! and while i would hardly call this a problem (it actually simplifies a lot to take out the human variable of emotion), i have found a solution! or at least an explanation! it just feels nice to work things out. i don't feel like i have to fix anything because that's not how i operate. if it's how i am, it's how i am. i don't set out to make myself any different than what i am naturally inclined to be. but once i dissect certain behaviors and the reasoning behind them, it's easier for me to be open to new things and try different things. it's a growing thing.

other things i've figured out:
1. i'm naturally inclined to like actresses with similar coloring/facial shapes to mine. example: zooey deschanel. other example: maggie glyllenhaal (because we both have brown hair and round faces and brothers)
2. only two things can make me really really cry. like, just thinking about them, cry. they are: miscarriages and the death of immediate family. i realized this while my parents were away and i was worried about them and the thoughts were solidified when i teared up during away we go.