rice blind

sometimes, i'm extremely rude. i know you find this hard to believe, dear readers, because if you are reading this you are probably related to me and think i'm just swell & dandy & sweeter than a molasses covered marshmallow. this is not true.

sometimes i think i am the jason alexander of my friend group. and not the fun neurotic seinfeld jason; pretty woman jason. i'm not slapping julia roberts but i'm still the wet blanket of the group. squashing fun. acting as a nagging reminder of obligations and expectations.

yesterday, my dear roommate spilled rice on our counter. not just a few grains; a handful. just scattered across the counter like a bunch of armless, albino sunbathers on a private beach. i should have just sighed to myself and scooped them up and into the trash. but i didn't. i had to be a jason.

"hey ben? did you maybe spill some rice over here?"
"umm...i don't think so?"
"could you come look?"
"sure. oh yeah - i guess i did spill some. i didn't even see that."
"you didn't see that?! ARE YOU RICE BLIND?"

1) totally unnecessary
2) completely passive agressive
3) wtf is rice blind? i am losing my mind.

my inner ranting madman says SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY?! HOW DO YOU NOT SEE ALL THIS RICE ON THE COUNTER? AND WHAT'S THE EXPECTATION HERE? THAT A RICE FAIRY WILL FLY IN CAST A SPELL ON THE GRAINS, TURNING THEM INTO MORE RICE FAIRIES? YOU KNOW WE HAVE MICE, RIGHT? WHO DO YOU THINK IS CLEANING UP THIS RIIICCCCEEEEEEEE.

but i know i should shut that madman down. that it isn't a priority for some people. that it was an honest mistake that could have been handled much better. but there i go again. metaphorically slapping julia.

i'm so sorry pandora

 

i think one of the things that hurts my feelings most on a regular basis is the little box that pops up on pandora and asks, "are you still listening? we pay for every song and don't want to play our music to an empty room." it just hits me where it hurts. sometimes i read the first line like a small child, who wants me to watch them do a trick on the diving board but i'm too busy digging salsa out of the bottom of the jar so i miss it and they know i miss it so they climb out of the pool all wet and shivering and say "didja see it? were you watching?" in a mix between oliver's 'please sir i want some more' voice and the 'say it ain't so joe' kid's voice. and i'm left with salsa on my chin and no good explanation as to what happened. and pandora's generally right on this one - i did walk away from my computer to make hot chocolate. i did take off my headphone cause they were rubbing against my earrings but forgot to turn off the music. i'm a crummy person. i get it pandora. sheesh. 

but the next line they give me is just snarky. 'we don't like to play music to an empty room'. that's a sitcom girlfriend trying to start a fight kind of line. no, i get it pandora - i don't think anyone likes to play music to an empty room. but you're not really a person. i didn't hire a dj and then leave him in a closet spinning discs solo. i didn't order a 25 foot ice cream cake and let it melt at a graduation party. let's try to keep the snark levels down. all that sympathy and shame you won in the first line? lost by the second line. now i'm pissed at you pandora. now i'm glad i wasn't listening. because you're rude and you're making me feel like a jerk. i'm shutting you down pandora! i don't care about your feelings anymore! because you have been abusing my feels. rude.