don't apologize; i hope you choke and die.

it's so easy to forget what my life used to be like. it's even weird to come home. at first, you feel strange. you have this whole other life and yet everything is still right there. and then it's weird how easily you slip back into the old things. and the other life is the one that seems strange. i forget about a lot of good things. a lot of bad things too. bad things like friends who bail, having to plan everything, fighting with drew, dealing with joe. good things like the diner, spontaneous plans, the consistency of our conversations (which i haven't found anywhere else), and car sing-alongs. they don't even deserve to be called that. 'sing-along' has the wrong connotations. it's so much different. you forget how wonderful it feels to drive at night on empty, familiar streets, up the mountain, down by the river, weaving in a out of neighborhoods on linglestown road. then you put in something good. even something that might be embarrassing. and you just sing along. every word. doing the overlapping melodies and lines. screaming when appropriate. and not just fake screaming. real screaming. and remembering old stuff and how things were then and how the words apply now and growing into songs in new ways. not worrying about the other person in the car. connecting with them beyond conversation in some weird cosmic sense. i miss that. the best times are with liz. the time we drove to pittsburgh singing brand new nonstop. or the time meredith and i drove to new york to see pat and sand bright eyes the entire way. it's always an unspoken decision. and we change the cds in silence. liz and i reminisced tonight about smoking and road trips. the good times are killing me.

new years eve tomorrow. keep your fingers crossed. 

it's jeebus! and his dad santa!

christmas was delightful. so was the eve before it!

the bradleys and the wheats came over for family feud and dinner. shannon and i hooked up the nintendo 64 and played diddy kong racing until i got frustrated and accidentally ripped the system out of the tv. we then tried to learn to do the single ladies dance. fairly successful. my thighs really hurt today though. went to midnight mass and struggled to stay awake. did the whole fancy schmany christmas game this morning. this year kev got a little political in his letter from twinkey the elf- ended up ranting about unions and "mr. change" for half a page. not so christmas-y but funny nonetheless. we got christmas riddles, written backwards so you had to hold them up to the mirror, then you had to solve them, find the answer on a corresponding reference sheet, figure out which number the answer was and playing the same track number on a christmas cd which accompanied the letter. you then had to determine which song it was and find the present with the song title on it. that present had yet another envelope with a riddle; lather, rinse, repeat. it was glorious. kevin really outdid himself. i got a magnificent silk-screening kit. so nice. very professional. i can't wait to get started. i also a bunch of etsy goodenss including my elloh presidential poster and a quarter necklace. handmade holiday! i realized i must have some weird president obsession because my brother got me a president tea pot too. i also got some ballin' boots, tights, zines, a poppy ring, a popcorn maker (? random. . .), a beautiful owl brooch, and chia pet shaped like donkey from shrek. 

went to grandmas house and opened things there. i am set for life with midnight pomegranate bath and body works shit. also got a terrarium (made by aunt karen!), subscriptions to bust and craft magazines, sock monkey slippers, a button maker, burberry perfume, HEAVYWEIGHTS, candy, and the apocathary jars that say 'opium' and 'cocaine' and fun things like that. dinner was excellent but the 5090 weigels were like zombies. midnight mass is a terrible idea. it's really sad to be near grandma. as much as i want to spend time with her since i know it's limited, i find it harder and harder to be near her. watched heavyweights. aunt karen got a little angry when grandpa said i could have the snowball ornament with the babies inside. i've always loved that ornament but if she really wants it she can have it. i don't feel like fighting with people about that kind of petty shit. i told her she could just have it. i'm just concerned about salvaging things that no one wants. i don't want shit to get thrown away.

{edit} i also hope to work out and get some good crafting in. need to work on creighan christmas stuff too, considering we leave saturday morning. make on tuesday though! and i found a hotel for the fiesta! rejoice! 

i need to work out.

{edit}

such is life. this too shall pass.

my heart belongs to the 717

and the colonial park diner. and my mother and father. and my punk rocker baby brother. and bishop mcdevitt high school. and my saturn. and liz til. and liz junior. and eric habich. and the brothers barry. and sarah dax. and kimbers. and all the people who i run into at the diner. it was such a good evening.

this whole week was good actually. a definite sense of belonging. i forgot how much i like connecting with new people. or at least meeting new people. i've just been having consistently good days. i am enjoying cheap beer more and more because of the camaraderie that accompanies it.  i want to try and write better sentences. i am happy and light and the timing is perfect. when people ask how college is, i am immediately inclined to say "fantastic!". i have stories and i have an audience. 

a question for the ages: which is more important- texting or facebooking? which one is held in higher regards? which is more personal? more thought out? more serious? 

i can take a hint. i'm good at it. 

was i too aggressive? possibly. i have been in the past. otherwise it's the friend zone for me. and i've spent way too much time in there. i have a summer home in the friend zone. i can't believe i'm using the phrase 'friend zone'. 

it's whatever though.

i'm too motivated and happy right now to dwell. there are things to be done and i have time to do them! adventures need to be planned and need to involve everyone i love! and i love so many people right now. it's overwhelming. i'm full! overflowing! i can't stop smiling.

christmas will be a dream. carole and yeckley are coming to my party on monday. carole for sure. yecks only for maybe. but that would be so good! i have to catch up with them and tell them about ralph and allen ginsberg. and get the scoop on the bish. i bet there's a shitton of gossip i've been missing out on. i love boots. i have a bunch now. 

bed! 

pizzzzzaaaaaaaaaa!

i missed driving a lot. 

more on that in a bit.

shout out to bill cosby and the finding of lost mix cds

saw spinto band yesterday with a plethora of good folks. right up front! dancing ensued. i couldn't stop smiling. they were just so adorable. not just in an outwardly sense (they were some nice eye candy) but in their mannerisms and enthusiasm. adorable. i love boys. awakwardly talked to one of them afterwards. i'm no great conversationalist but i'm coming to terms with these sweet, awkward moments. i literally just crack up during them because i'm saying the most terrible things. 

came home and made five boxes worth of jello shots. it's so easy! everyone should do it all the time! i want to experiment with some different kinds. . . . made about 80 jello shots total which was good cause we were rolling deep last night. it was: christine, veronica, mary, maria, mary-anne, ct, alex, kieren, me, mercedes, shatz, malcolm, mike, and julie. holy hannah. pregamed in the good old 324 and moved on to the rugby house which is actually quite beautiful. good people there as well including beth and dan and two new kids keiren knows named justin and wyatt. they were super friendly and nice. also talked to some nice blonde southern girl named jackie, and a kid who looked like jesus but went by kyle. jesus gave me some of his beer. friendships blossoming everywhere. i had four jello shots hidden in my pockets and just whipped them out at random moments. justin and wyatt were so amazed with my skills ("where did you get that? where did that come from?") that i gave them each one. genoursity! matt texted me and i took great pains to text him back using perfect grammer and adding in a dash of wit here and there. it took about half an hour for each text. i bet beth i could go and hit on this guy sitting alone on the couch watching tv. so i went over all flirty; next thing you know he's talking my fucking ear off about his wall-painting business and blah blah blah wake up early bills to pay only nineteen blah blah economy. terrible. nothing could have salvaged that. we eventually headed out.

talked to julie and sam in the elevator. shatz gave us brownies. beth gave me a banana. talked to maggie in the hallway. lured alex out of the room to give mercedes and shatz some private time. winking abounded. everyone and there mom came and watched jurassic park in my room. while looking for snacks, i found brianne's birth control pills. i thought they were crackers. didn't eat them obviously. jokes all around. gurav came in and gave me a back massage. and a foot massage. and a hand massage. then repeated it. everyone was getting massages all around. i gave julian one and julian gave me one. he's kind of cute. sidenote. though his personality is reminiscent of my cousin jimmy. and he was wearing some gay ass slippers. slept soundly.

woke to mercedes ridiculous hickeys. they're everywhere. it looks like a truck ran over her neck. and chest.  i don't even know how that shit happens. waiting for anna now. then off to the city for the day. fiestas tonight. hanging out with matt? beth? julian? any number of people. good times all around. i'm learning to just get buzzed. a noteworthy skill. oh! and i broke a pair of goggles at the rugby house. it was like the first thing i did when i got there. my head is way too fat. 

i found an old mix cd that matt barry gave me. mix cds feel good. i miss them.

went to spaghetti warehouse on wednesday. all went well. mingled with good people. dani, beth, mark, rich, dan, matt, kerien, jen, and jimmy are the shit. it was like old times. pasta was good too. 

huzzahs all around for the holidays. 

lovedrug has the silliest lyrics

brianne and i are trying to memorize them now. because they're so terrible. i missed her. we hung out last night and wednesday as well. it was good.

weekend recap:
went thrifting with mercahdaze and marissa on friday after dissent. bought good things! a navy floral chiffon blouse, a red and black sequined print sweater, a purple jersey dress, a poppy mug with a humming bird handle, and a book of lists. and a bradley hathaway book with a cd. nerd. i forget about that dude. then i got all dressed up. i felt pretty. but in all actuallity i probably looked like a hooker. james got dressed up too. ran into juliana on the way out of the building and she ended up coming as well as camilo. went to old city and saw some artzzzz. and a sweet ass modern dance/breakdance group do a piece called 'toybox' that was really awesome. then we walked to ho sai gai. juliana and i had terrible dragon sting drinks. very potent. rum and tequila and something that's 151 proof something. came back buzzed and i got a text from christine saying journalism boy was at the corona house so i like. ran there. opportunity knocks! and very obviously pushed my way to the front of the keg line right next to him. and it was some serious pushing. then causually turned and said, "are you in my journalism class?" to which he of course responded yes, and i in turn replied "oh cool." "it's so weird that girl christine from our class is here too." "really? that's weird. . . " then i lose him. then i find him again. and corner him. and force him to talk to me. sike. it was a little better than that. and beth was there being hilarious. and there were a bunch of nice guys. and then we made follow-up plans. (spagehetti warehouse with a group but you have to start somewhere, right?) and he asked for my number and gave me his and he texted me yesterday. OH! and just to make my intentions clear (as if they weren't completely obvious already) i added towards the end of our conversation, "i always thought you were really cute." to which he smiled and said something that i didn't hear. either thanks or you too. or something along those lines. either one is good. the latter is better. but i'll take either. came back with christine and harassed alex in the study lounge. we're rooming together next year! excitement abounds! it'll be so super nice. went to bed super happy. hung out on antique row with jimmy yesterday and went to the dollar store on chesnut. bought some terrible things including a horrible santa decoration and a set of zebra print combs. then came back and took a nap with brianne and juliebare. then julie and i went to 17th and montgomery and bought a 30-pack of pabsts blue ribbon, stuffed it in two book bags, picked up brianne, and walked to 19th and poplar for the warehouse thing. all i had to eat was mint chocolate chip ice cream. poor decision. we were chugging these beers and playing silly drinking games like 'drink every time you pass a pole!' or 'everytime that couple is super awkward!' met juliana and camilo and aaron there. and aaron's friends. and dave! so good! and there was a barrel fire! and good music! and i had a book bag full of beer! which was so good! and i just kept chugging that shit because my bag was too heavy. ended up agreeing to make-out with aarons nerdy skinny friend ben. did that for like. five minutes. terrible. kept dancing and crushing cans with my feet. after ten beers things got bad and fuzzy. long story short i ended up throwing up all over julie and some kids apartment. no bueno. and brianne coat got stolen. such is life. i feel bad but i must move on.

i've watched the santa clause five million times already. including twice in a row yesterday morning. like. literally. and i watched it then watched it again right after. and now i'm just procrastinating on a paper. singing with brianne and facebook stalking. the usual.

i think i might have pink eye? my eye is all swollen and teary and pink. no bueno! but it'll get better. i'm just so proud that i finally talked to that kid. even if nothing comes of it i just feel better about myself for making a move. yeah man! pat muhself on the back! i think i'm going to go to beach house on saturday. and anna will be here! joy! and christmas at brianne's on sunday! and then finals! and ooooooo so many good things! i'm so looking forward to things! christmas soon! oh and gurav and steve and anthony and kurt and sam and james were all at that party on friday! which was so good! and christina paul! and i met a variety of other nice people. oh! and anthro girl was at ho sai gai! with dan suraci! so weird! i asked if they were there for the fine asian cuisine to which that dumb bitch replied "we're hear for the booze!". dumb fuck. all around. dumbfuck? or dumb fuck? or dumb-fuck? all of them. that's what she is. i need to write this paper.