thanks thanks thanks

i am so full of love right now i don't know how to handle it. i love my friends. i love driving on long open roads. i love driving to sufjan. i love my parents. i can't stop hugging people and touching their faces and holding their hands. and i'm not a cuddly person at all. it's just so good to be home. to be able to be me. it's so good. more tomorrow.

a dark knight indeed.

i feel as though i may have completely lost my ability to communicate with the opposite sex. i think it's a matter of self esteem. i've become too aware of myself and what people think of me. and i used to be so good at living completely for myself. i can point out distinct moments in my life when this changed; major turning points for me. the times that led to this. but i won't. what's important now is fixing it. i haven't faced rejection in a while right? maybe i'll just try it. i saw him at the movie theatre today. for some reason i thought since it was so freezing outside that i should wear layers. so i dressed like i was going to play in the snow. i wore leggings under my sweat pants with a thermal shirt and sweat shirt all topped off with thick socks and boots. of course, the theatre is hotter than hades. so i'm sweating profusely, shoes off, sweatpants rolled up to the knee, knitting as always and i see him stand up and turn around and look at me. i'm pretty sure we made eye contact before i darted my head the other way. i hope it's good eye contact. not creepy 'what an odd girl. . . ' eye contact. i'm thinking it's the latter. but i'm just going to put myself out there anyway. regardless. i'm no good at waiting. and i suck at being subtle. and i want new people in my life. i also want new music. i finshed matt's cowl (MACHINE) and i'm working on my own. then who knows what! sewing i should think. and schoolwork. maybe a job. maybe a boyfriend. if you believe in miracles. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS. ALWAYS. i should. i'm going to. i control my moods. i control my life. it's really affirming to see it written. to be the one who wrote it. it's all going uphill. up up up u p uppupupupupupupppppppppppppppp.

Manwathiel (Mahn-wah-thee-ell)

that's my name in elvish. good to know. i'm definitely considering it as a new nickname. just rolls off the tounge.

turkish delight

went to a turkish restaurant. compliments of temple university. juliana went too. it was nice getting to hang out with her. i should try and do it more often. we seem to get along fairly well. talk of doing a radio show next semester. turkish food is good. the country looks beautiful. all the countries look beautiful. everywhere has something to offer.

finished aunt jen's cowl today. IM A MACHINE. started on matt barry's cowl. then mine. i wanted to do grandma's hat but it's on friggin size two needles! i was like. fuck dat shit. hell naw. that's gonna take me six years. crazy knitty knittas. no way jose. i love creation. i love creating. i love using my hands. i love tangibility. more sewing in the near future.

i think they might have gotten it today. apparently the van was in the driveway. my paranoia is ridiculous. i don't even know. the more i think about it the more anxious i get. i just want to get it over with. but i want to be spared! how will they go about it? will they call me? or wait until i get home so they can confront me face to face? i hope they just call. if they do it when i get home it'll be too upsetting. they would call. i hope they would call. i hope they don't get it. i wish temple was more timely. they need to reconsider the system.

brianne is over at aaron's again tonight. night four of this. the combination of jealousy and a desire for warmth is making me wish i had someone as well. i like sleeping next to people. it's so toasty. i told liz i would pay her to sleep in my bed. to keep me warm and snuggly. winter makes one lonely. i need body heat. i need a sturdy boy with nice hands and a good face. someone nice and sleepy. he likes busdriver. i forgot how to talk to people. i've lost it. my confidence isnt' what it used to be. it leaves much to be desired. i need to relearn quickly. i don't want the window of opportunity to close. i always read too much into these things; but he does look at me. or is he looking at me because i look at him? i'm just trying to return the favor. and talk without speaking or whatever. dammit. i'm supposed to be a communications major. my skills are lacking.

i love my family. it's almost christmas. i want to lose some weight. gain some more boobage. erase a couple chins. the works. in time for santa. fuck senior week boy. seriously. i would. but fuck him in the other way too. let me use youuuuu!!! pleeassseeeeeeee. movies have given me unrealistic standards of boys. not that they're supposed to be romanitc princes or any of that bullshit. the myth that they all want to hook up with girls all the time. where are these boys? i'm struggling to meet them. damn you teen movies. curse thee a thousand times over.

the beginning of a recluse

i haven't left my room in over twelve hours. i've been consumed with knitting and so weird. but it was warm and it felt good. i did what my body told me to (i didn't mean to do you harm.)

every time i pin down what i think i want it slips away. the ghost slips away.
oh pinkerton. how you own me.

i finished the scarf of doom for alessio. it is glorious and wide and long and warm. he will most likely drown in it. or suffocate. it's beautiful. i started on aunt jen's cowl. it' s very romantic looking. i love cream. i love knit lace. i love cowls. beautiful. next is matt's cowl. then grandma's hat. then a cowl for me. then sewing a bajillion things. i'm excited for christmas this year. as always. but it's ridiculous this year.

my mom said something sunday morning about my grandma possibly not even making it into the new house. which is supposed to happen in february or early spring. i didn't even consider it a possibility. i always thought it would be another year or two. but it as bad on sunday. she was having a lot of trouble breathing. she looks tired. grandpa looks tired. i almost cried when i looked at her during dinner. i almost cried when my mom made that comment sunday morning. i'm starting to cry now. i can't imagine it actually happening. i don't think i'll ever be ready for it. i was just thinking about how amazing it is that people live to be so old and die of disease or old age. old age preferably. but there are so many other ways to die young. it's a miricle that i still have my grandparents. drew and i will be destroyed.

i have issues with talking to boys. i worry that i won't ever get married due to my inital shyness or the fact that i often come off as a bitch. the shyness is a side-effect of my bitch paranoia: i just don't say anything for fear of being percieved as bossy or stupid or ignorant or whatevssssss. he's cute though. and he lives in the edge. and he seems genuinely nice. i could make food in his kitchen. he seems like a gentleman too. do i just go up and ask him out? does that really happen other than nineties teen movies? negative. i really don't think so. i've never seen that. you have to be subtle. stalk enough to figure out how to run into him accidentally. as though fate had it in store for you. bullshit yo. i just want to ask that homie out. he's a fox. not even. he just looks like someone fun and sturdy. who's into the right things and out of the wrong ones. maybe he used to do them but not anymore. now he's more into being productive and movies and music- BUT NOT IN A PRETENIOUS WAY. and he will read books i lend him and make me cds and i will knit him shit and he will hold my hand when appropriate. and we will have inside jokes. and it will be beautiful. our families will get along and one day we will have beautiful children who he will be in love with just as much as he is in love with me and just as much as i love our children. he will be the best father and still fun and energetic and enthusiastic. we will live in simbiosis. needing each other at all times. this is no longer about a specific person. this is just what i want. and hope for.

brianne has been staying over with aaron. i like having the room to myself. but it makes me lonely.

the lonely toons vs. the looney tunes.
(idea)

i've been writing in math class. i need to start doing that again. and submit to hyphen. and work on some shit for youtube. and standup. and spoken word.

i want home. i want this goddamn letter to come so i can get it over with. i don't want them to know about this one. i can feel my mom's heart breaking over it. it's terrible. i hope i never have a miscarriage. sidenote. i was just talking to my mom about it this weekend and it sounds devestating. i can't even imagine. i love people. i want to believe in goodness.

more importantly, i want bed. i want achieveable goals. high-set achievable goals. but for right now, just bed.

making hats. making money.

so i made this hat for brielle. and it's the most ridiculous thing ever. i've also discovered that i can make videos on my computer of whatever i damn well please. like this! i've been bombarding people with video messages. mostly me just talking and falling to look into the camera because i'm too preoccupied with how i look. i can make some weird friggin faces.

abby and beth bought wristlets from me today! huzzah huzzah! victory all over the place! businesssss! i felt bad because abby's broke right away? i need to really reinforce those suckas. and i apologized and told her i would fix it anytime. i think i'm going to try and start hanging out with those people because i like them a lot. speghetti next week. possibly themed parties. i need to figure out my rooming situation for next year. and the subsequent years. i don't know how i'm going to finangle this with brianne. i need to figure it out. awks all over the place when this convo does go down.

i'm going home tomorrow! joy joy joy joy! i get to see young drewsif and helen and kevin and the grandparents and aunt karen and route 22 and the flag pole and my target! i miss my suburbia. life was good. life is good.

i cried last night while i was watching so weird. at first it was just because it was a sad episode- a banshee had come for fi's grandfather, intending to bring him to his death. and she was trying to save him. and it was just very touching. then i started crying about my grandparents. and then i started crying about grandma mary. it was very odd. it felt good to cry though. even if it was next to my sleeping roommate in the glow of a television playing an old disney channel show. i'm going to hug them so long this weekend. i miss them and our days are numbered. as always. i just hate that it might happen while i'm away.

i love my family more with each passing day.

mercedes and i vented to each other today about brianne. it felt wonderful. not that i dislike brianne. it's just close quarters. it's hard to live with anyone. it's just nice to talk about it. it feels good to feel.

my socks are tinted purple cause of the rain. cheap ass sneakers bleeding on my socks.

huzzah huzzah! clarity and a visit from j-naz!

hot off the needles: brianne's cowl. a little flawed but beautiful nonetheless. i love the pattern on both sides. reversible. mmmmm.

it recently came to me. i knew it was there. i knew it's shape and it's scent was familiar. i just couldn't place it. what memory was associated it with it? it was more than just their pretentiousness or hipster-esque qualities. there was something about them, some vague personality quirk or aura that made me avoid eye contact and keep my mouth shut. i knew they would shut me down the second i said anything or come up with something for which i had no retort. and let's be honest, i'm pretty good with retorting. but there is a certain bred of person that has the ability to revert me to a shy preschooler on the first day of sunday school when all you want to do is hide behind your mom's leg and go into church with her and eat fruit snacks in the pew while everyone else sings and prays. i first noticed this distinction of our species junior year, upon my encounter with d. wesh. i was so thrown off my this elusive quality that i was unable to talk to him- perhaps even rude to him for fear that he was the enemy. it was strange. and now i've met two more of them. here at temple. at first i mistook it for general dislike. but then it came to me. this feeling like two hands squeezing my lungs or tightening around my throat. It's like that scene in Amedeus when all the aristocrats are laughing. it always freaks me out. laughing aristocrats who are clearly laughing because you are simple and silly, maybe even stupid and they can't believe that it is capable for a life form to function on such a low level. they mock your enthusiasm for things they've grown bored of. they snort at the comments you make, the way you consider your opinion to be valuable. pah ha ha.

i was lying there and it came to me. it's because they remind me of the upper grade boys at holy name. most notably david k. and thomas m. they way they would pretend like they were just talking to me but secretly mock me. lead me to say silly things. hannigan did it to. and conte. even mitch who is two years younger than me did it at the champ dance show last january. i have no idea why these people have this power. the ability to turn me into super spinster bitch or total silent dumbass girl. it's horrible. i had hoped i would grow out of it- people don't always make fun of other people do they? it can't be that much fun to make others feel inadequate- can it? maybe they don't even know they're doing it. the recent laughing aristocrats in my life certainly haven't been aware. it's a combination of their intellect and my paranoia that makes them so. away away away bad thoughts. come on in christmas spirit.

i'm so excited for christmas. gift making is starting already. the excitement is almost a symptom this year- it's manifesting itself in my bones and a release of some sort of chemical that makes me giddy and loud. just seeing friggin decorations is like some kind of sugar rush. i love this holiday. i'm beyond excited.

i've been listening to a boy named kevin's library every day. mostly elliott smith but sufjan too. i love "clementine" and "coming up roses". and sufjan's "romulus". i feel creepy sharing his library every day. maybe i should branch out. i just know its a safe choice and i'll find something i like in there.

i hope that God gives me this one. i think i'm going to try and go to church with jen ken next weekend. apparently all the mcdevitt kids get together and go to church on sunday? i was not informed of this. i think i'm going to try it out. at least for the sense of purpose and community. my mom cannot get that letter. she cant she cant she cant. i need to learn about moderation. i want to be able to live honestly.

jonas was at temple this morning. around ten i got a text- he's in the rite aid on broad street. the one by the fried chicken place. so i grabbed jen ken and we headed down to meet him. gabby was there too- i love familiar faces. (and the phrase 'familiar faces'. such good connotations) they were just passing through- gabby took off school to drive jonas to the philly train station so he can catch a train back to school. i missed his face. and goofy-ass laugh. and big head. it was nice to catch up if only for an hour or so in the freezing cold. i can't wait to see everyone at thanksgiving. major barry and kevin and ellen especially. it'll be nice to see kim too. i miss the old dynamics. having matt up for the weekend was a dream. the decemberists were a dream. i needed his energy. he loved philly. and i love him. and so it goes.