don't apologize; i hope you choke and die.

it's so easy to forget what my life used to be like. it's even weird to come home. at first, you feel strange. you have this whole other life and yet everything is still right there. and then it's weird how easily you slip back into the old things. and the other life is the one that seems strange. i forget about a lot of good things. a lot of bad things too. bad things like friends who bail, having to plan everything, fighting with drew, dealing with joe. good things like the diner, spontaneous plans, the consistency of our conversations (which i haven't found anywhere else), and car sing-alongs. they don't even deserve to be called that. 'sing-along' has the wrong connotations. it's so much different. you forget how wonderful it feels to drive at night on empty, familiar streets, up the mountain, down by the river, weaving in a out of neighborhoods on linglestown road. then you put in something good. even something that might be embarrassing. and you just sing along. every word. doing the overlapping melodies and lines. screaming when appropriate. and not just fake screaming. real screaming. and remembering old stuff and how things were then and how the words apply now and growing into songs in new ways. not worrying about the other person in the car. connecting with them beyond conversation in some weird cosmic sense. i miss that. the best times are with liz. the time we drove to pittsburgh singing brand new nonstop. or the time meredith and i drove to new york to see pat and sand bright eyes the entire way. it's always an unspoken decision. and we change the cds in silence. liz and i reminisced tonight about smoking and road trips. the good times are killing me.

new years eve tomorrow. keep your fingers crossed. 

it's jeebus! and his dad santa!

christmas was delightful. so was the eve before it!

the bradleys and the wheats came over for family feud and dinner. shannon and i hooked up the nintendo 64 and played diddy kong racing until i got frustrated and accidentally ripped the system out of the tv. we then tried to learn to do the single ladies dance. fairly successful. my thighs really hurt today though. went to midnight mass and struggled to stay awake. did the whole fancy schmany christmas game this morning. this year kev got a little political in his letter from twinkey the elf- ended up ranting about unions and "mr. change" for half a page. not so christmas-y but funny nonetheless. we got christmas riddles, written backwards so you had to hold them up to the mirror, then you had to solve them, find the answer on a corresponding reference sheet, figure out which number the answer was and playing the same track number on a christmas cd which accompanied the letter. you then had to determine which song it was and find the present with the song title on it. that present had yet another envelope with a riddle; lather, rinse, repeat. it was glorious. kevin really outdid himself. i got a magnificent silk-screening kit. so nice. very professional. i can't wait to get started. i also a bunch of etsy goodenss including my elloh presidential poster and a quarter necklace. handmade holiday! i realized i must have some weird president obsession because my brother got me a president tea pot too. i also got some ballin' boots, tights, zines, a poppy ring, a popcorn maker (? random. . .), a beautiful owl brooch, and chia pet shaped like donkey from shrek. 

went to grandmas house and opened things there. i am set for life with midnight pomegranate bath and body works shit. also got a terrarium (made by aunt karen!), subscriptions to bust and craft magazines, sock monkey slippers, a button maker, burberry perfume, HEAVYWEIGHTS, candy, and the apocathary jars that say 'opium' and 'cocaine' and fun things like that. dinner was excellent but the 5090 weigels were like zombies. midnight mass is a terrible idea. it's really sad to be near grandma. as much as i want to spend time with her since i know it's limited, i find it harder and harder to be near her. watched heavyweights. aunt karen got a little angry when grandpa said i could have the snowball ornament with the babies inside. i've always loved that ornament but if she really wants it she can have it. i don't feel like fighting with people about that kind of petty shit. i told her she could just have it. i'm just concerned about salvaging things that no one wants. i don't want shit to get thrown away.

{edit} i also hope to work out and get some good crafting in. need to work on creighan christmas stuff too, considering we leave saturday morning. make on tuesday though! and i found a hotel for the fiesta! rejoice! 

i need to work out.

{edit}

such is life. this too shall pass.

my heart belongs to the 717

and the colonial park diner. and my mother and father. and my punk rocker baby brother. and bishop mcdevitt high school. and my saturn. and liz til. and liz junior. and eric habich. and the brothers barry. and sarah dax. and kimbers. and all the people who i run into at the diner. it was such a good evening.

this whole week was good actually. a definite sense of belonging. i forgot how much i like connecting with new people. or at least meeting new people. i've just been having consistently good days. i am enjoying cheap beer more and more because of the camaraderie that accompanies it.  i want to try and write better sentences. i am happy and light and the timing is perfect. when people ask how college is, i am immediately inclined to say "fantastic!". i have stories and i have an audience. 

a question for the ages: which is more important- texting or facebooking? which one is held in higher regards? which is more personal? more thought out? more serious? 

i can take a hint. i'm good at it. 

was i too aggressive? possibly. i have been in the past. otherwise it's the friend zone for me. and i've spent way too much time in there. i have a summer home in the friend zone. i can't believe i'm using the phrase 'friend zone'. 

it's whatever though.

i'm too motivated and happy right now to dwell. there are things to be done and i have time to do them! adventures need to be planned and need to involve everyone i love! and i love so many people right now. it's overwhelming. i'm full! overflowing! i can't stop smiling.

christmas will be a dream. carole and yeckley are coming to my party on monday. carole for sure. yecks only for maybe. but that would be so good! i have to catch up with them and tell them about ralph and allen ginsberg. and get the scoop on the bish. i bet there's a shitton of gossip i've been missing out on. i love boots. i have a bunch now. 

bed! 

pizzzzzaaaaaaaaaa!

i missed driving a lot. 

more on that in a bit.

shout out to bill cosby and the finding of lost mix cds

saw spinto band yesterday with a plethora of good folks. right up front! dancing ensued. i couldn't stop smiling. they were just so adorable. not just in an outwardly sense (they were some nice eye candy) but in their mannerisms and enthusiasm. adorable. i love boys. awakwardly talked to one of them afterwards. i'm no great conversationalist but i'm coming to terms with these sweet, awkward moments. i literally just crack up during them because i'm saying the most terrible things. 

came home and made five boxes worth of jello shots. it's so easy! everyone should do it all the time! i want to experiment with some different kinds. . . . made about 80 jello shots total which was good cause we were rolling deep last night. it was: christine, veronica, mary, maria, mary-anne, ct, alex, kieren, me, mercedes, shatz, malcolm, mike, and julie. holy hannah. pregamed in the good old 324 and moved on to the rugby house which is actually quite beautiful. good people there as well including beth and dan and two new kids keiren knows named justin and wyatt. they were super friendly and nice. also talked to some nice blonde southern girl named jackie, and a kid who looked like jesus but went by kyle. jesus gave me some of his beer. friendships blossoming everywhere. i had four jello shots hidden in my pockets and just whipped them out at random moments. justin and wyatt were so amazed with my skills ("where did you get that? where did that come from?") that i gave them each one. genoursity! matt texted me and i took great pains to text him back using perfect grammer and adding in a dash of wit here and there. it took about half an hour for each text. i bet beth i could go and hit on this guy sitting alone on the couch watching tv. so i went over all flirty; next thing you know he's talking my fucking ear off about his wall-painting business and blah blah blah wake up early bills to pay only nineteen blah blah economy. terrible. nothing could have salvaged that. we eventually headed out.

talked to julie and sam in the elevator. shatz gave us brownies. beth gave me a banana. talked to maggie in the hallway. lured alex out of the room to give mercedes and shatz some private time. winking abounded. everyone and there mom came and watched jurassic park in my room. while looking for snacks, i found brianne's birth control pills. i thought they were crackers. didn't eat them obviously. jokes all around. gurav came in and gave me a back massage. and a foot massage. and a hand massage. then repeated it. everyone was getting massages all around. i gave julian one and julian gave me one. he's kind of cute. sidenote. though his personality is reminiscent of my cousin jimmy. and he was wearing some gay ass slippers. slept soundly.

woke to mercedes ridiculous hickeys. they're everywhere. it looks like a truck ran over her neck. and chest.  i don't even know how that shit happens. waiting for anna now. then off to the city for the day. fiestas tonight. hanging out with matt? beth? julian? any number of people. good times all around. i'm learning to just get buzzed. a noteworthy skill. oh! and i broke a pair of goggles at the rugby house. it was like the first thing i did when i got there. my head is way too fat. 

i found an old mix cd that matt barry gave me. mix cds feel good. i miss them.

went to spaghetti warehouse on wednesday. all went well. mingled with good people. dani, beth, mark, rich, dan, matt, kerien, jen, and jimmy are the shit. it was like old times. pasta was good too. 

huzzahs all around for the holidays. 

lovedrug has the silliest lyrics

brianne and i are trying to memorize them now. because they're so terrible. i missed her. we hung out last night and wednesday as well. it was good.

weekend recap:
went thrifting with mercahdaze and marissa on friday after dissent. bought good things! a navy floral chiffon blouse, a red and black sequined print sweater, a purple jersey dress, a poppy mug with a humming bird handle, and a book of lists. and a bradley hathaway book with a cd. nerd. i forget about that dude. then i got all dressed up. i felt pretty. but in all actuallity i probably looked like a hooker. james got dressed up too. ran into juliana on the way out of the building and she ended up coming as well as camilo. went to old city and saw some artzzzz. and a sweet ass modern dance/breakdance group do a piece called 'toybox' that was really awesome. then we walked to ho sai gai. juliana and i had terrible dragon sting drinks. very potent. rum and tequila and something that's 151 proof something. came back buzzed and i got a text from christine saying journalism boy was at the corona house so i like. ran there. opportunity knocks! and very obviously pushed my way to the front of the keg line right next to him. and it was some serious pushing. then causually turned and said, "are you in my journalism class?" to which he of course responded yes, and i in turn replied "oh cool." "it's so weird that girl christine from our class is here too." "really? that's weird. . . " then i lose him. then i find him again. and corner him. and force him to talk to me. sike. it was a little better than that. and beth was there being hilarious. and there were a bunch of nice guys. and then we made follow-up plans. (spagehetti warehouse with a group but you have to start somewhere, right?) and he asked for my number and gave me his and he texted me yesterday. OH! and just to make my intentions clear (as if they weren't completely obvious already) i added towards the end of our conversation, "i always thought you were really cute." to which he smiled and said something that i didn't hear. either thanks or you too. or something along those lines. either one is good. the latter is better. but i'll take either. came back with christine and harassed alex in the study lounge. we're rooming together next year! excitement abounds! it'll be so super nice. went to bed super happy. hung out on antique row with jimmy yesterday and went to the dollar store on chesnut. bought some terrible things including a horrible santa decoration and a set of zebra print combs. then came back and took a nap with brianne and juliebare. then julie and i went to 17th and montgomery and bought a 30-pack of pabsts blue ribbon, stuffed it in two book bags, picked up brianne, and walked to 19th and poplar for the warehouse thing. all i had to eat was mint chocolate chip ice cream. poor decision. we were chugging these beers and playing silly drinking games like 'drink every time you pass a pole!' or 'everytime that couple is super awkward!' met juliana and camilo and aaron there. and aaron's friends. and dave! so good! and there was a barrel fire! and good music! and i had a book bag full of beer! which was so good! and i just kept chugging that shit because my bag was too heavy. ended up agreeing to make-out with aarons nerdy skinny friend ben. did that for like. five minutes. terrible. kept dancing and crushing cans with my feet. after ten beers things got bad and fuzzy. long story short i ended up throwing up all over julie and some kids apartment. no bueno. and brianne coat got stolen. such is life. i feel bad but i must move on.

i've watched the santa clause five million times already. including twice in a row yesterday morning. like. literally. and i watched it then watched it again right after. and now i'm just procrastinating on a paper. singing with brianne and facebook stalking. the usual.

i think i might have pink eye? my eye is all swollen and teary and pink. no bueno! but it'll get better. i'm just so proud that i finally talked to that kid. even if nothing comes of it i just feel better about myself for making a move. yeah man! pat muhself on the back! i think i'm going to go to beach house on saturday. and anna will be here! joy! and christmas at brianne's on sunday! and then finals! and ooooooo so many good things! i'm so looking forward to things! christmas soon! oh and gurav and steve and anthony and kurt and sam and james were all at that party on friday! which was so good! and christina paul! and i met a variety of other nice people. oh! and anthro girl was at ho sai gai! with dan suraci! so weird! i asked if they were there for the fine asian cuisine to which that dumb bitch replied "we're hear for the booze!". dumb fuck. all around. dumbfuck? or dumb fuck? or dumb-fuck? all of them. that's what she is. i need to write this paper.

thanks thanks thanks

i am so full of love right now i don't know how to handle it. i love my friends. i love driving on long open roads. i love driving to sufjan. i love my parents. i can't stop hugging people and touching their faces and holding their hands. and i'm not a cuddly person at all. it's just so good to be home. to be able to be me. it's so good. more tomorrow.

a dark knight indeed.

i feel as though i may have completely lost my ability to communicate with the opposite sex. i think it's a matter of self esteem. i've become too aware of myself and what people think of me. and i used to be so good at living completely for myself. i can point out distinct moments in my life when this changed; major turning points for me. the times that led to this. but i won't. what's important now is fixing it. i haven't faced rejection in a while right? maybe i'll just try it. i saw him at the movie theatre today. for some reason i thought since it was so freezing outside that i should wear layers. so i dressed like i was going to play in the snow. i wore leggings under my sweat pants with a thermal shirt and sweat shirt all topped off with thick socks and boots. of course, the theatre is hotter than hades. so i'm sweating profusely, shoes off, sweatpants rolled up to the knee, knitting as always and i see him stand up and turn around and look at me. i'm pretty sure we made eye contact before i darted my head the other way. i hope it's good eye contact. not creepy 'what an odd girl. . . ' eye contact. i'm thinking it's the latter. but i'm just going to put myself out there anyway. regardless. i'm no good at waiting. and i suck at being subtle. and i want new people in my life. i also want new music. i finshed matt's cowl (MACHINE) and i'm working on my own. then who knows what! sewing i should think. and schoolwork. maybe a job. maybe a boyfriend. if you believe in miracles. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS. ALWAYS. i should. i'm going to. i control my moods. i control my life. it's really affirming to see it written. to be the one who wrote it. it's all going uphill. up up up u p uppupupupupupupppppppppppppppp.

Manwathiel (Mahn-wah-thee-ell)

that's my name in elvish. good to know. i'm definitely considering it as a new nickname. just rolls off the tounge.

turkish delight

went to a turkish restaurant. compliments of temple university. juliana went too. it was nice getting to hang out with her. i should try and do it more often. we seem to get along fairly well. talk of doing a radio show next semester. turkish food is good. the country looks beautiful. all the countries look beautiful. everywhere has something to offer.

finished aunt jen's cowl today. IM A MACHINE. started on matt barry's cowl. then mine. i wanted to do grandma's hat but it's on friggin size two needles! i was like. fuck dat shit. hell naw. that's gonna take me six years. crazy knitty knittas. no way jose. i love creation. i love creating. i love using my hands. i love tangibility. more sewing in the near future.

i think they might have gotten it today. apparently the van was in the driveway. my paranoia is ridiculous. i don't even know. the more i think about it the more anxious i get. i just want to get it over with. but i want to be spared! how will they go about it? will they call me? or wait until i get home so they can confront me face to face? i hope they just call. if they do it when i get home it'll be too upsetting. they would call. i hope they would call. i hope they don't get it. i wish temple was more timely. they need to reconsider the system.

brianne is over at aaron's again tonight. night four of this. the combination of jealousy and a desire for warmth is making me wish i had someone as well. i like sleeping next to people. it's so toasty. i told liz i would pay her to sleep in my bed. to keep me warm and snuggly. winter makes one lonely. i need body heat. i need a sturdy boy with nice hands and a good face. someone nice and sleepy. he likes busdriver. i forgot how to talk to people. i've lost it. my confidence isnt' what it used to be. it leaves much to be desired. i need to relearn quickly. i don't want the window of opportunity to close. i always read too much into these things; but he does look at me. or is he looking at me because i look at him? i'm just trying to return the favor. and talk without speaking or whatever. dammit. i'm supposed to be a communications major. my skills are lacking.

i love my family. it's almost christmas. i want to lose some weight. gain some more boobage. erase a couple chins. the works. in time for santa. fuck senior week boy. seriously. i would. but fuck him in the other way too. let me use youuuuu!!! pleeassseeeeeeee. movies have given me unrealistic standards of boys. not that they're supposed to be romanitc princes or any of that bullshit. the myth that they all want to hook up with girls all the time. where are these boys? i'm struggling to meet them. damn you teen movies. curse thee a thousand times over.

the beginning of a recluse

i haven't left my room in over twelve hours. i've been consumed with knitting and so weird. but it was warm and it felt good. i did what my body told me to (i didn't mean to do you harm.)

every time i pin down what i think i want it slips away. the ghost slips away.
oh pinkerton. how you own me.

i finished the scarf of doom for alessio. it is glorious and wide and long and warm. he will most likely drown in it. or suffocate. it's beautiful. i started on aunt jen's cowl. it' s very romantic looking. i love cream. i love knit lace. i love cowls. beautiful. next is matt's cowl. then grandma's hat. then a cowl for me. then sewing a bajillion things. i'm excited for christmas this year. as always. but it's ridiculous this year.

my mom said something sunday morning about my grandma possibly not even making it into the new house. which is supposed to happen in february or early spring. i didn't even consider it a possibility. i always thought it would be another year or two. but it as bad on sunday. she was having a lot of trouble breathing. she looks tired. grandpa looks tired. i almost cried when i looked at her during dinner. i almost cried when my mom made that comment sunday morning. i'm starting to cry now. i can't imagine it actually happening. i don't think i'll ever be ready for it. i was just thinking about how amazing it is that people live to be so old and die of disease or old age. old age preferably. but there are so many other ways to die young. it's a miricle that i still have my grandparents. drew and i will be destroyed.

i have issues with talking to boys. i worry that i won't ever get married due to my inital shyness or the fact that i often come off as a bitch. the shyness is a side-effect of my bitch paranoia: i just don't say anything for fear of being percieved as bossy or stupid or ignorant or whatevssssss. he's cute though. and he lives in the edge. and he seems genuinely nice. i could make food in his kitchen. he seems like a gentleman too. do i just go up and ask him out? does that really happen other than nineties teen movies? negative. i really don't think so. i've never seen that. you have to be subtle. stalk enough to figure out how to run into him accidentally. as though fate had it in store for you. bullshit yo. i just want to ask that homie out. he's a fox. not even. he just looks like someone fun and sturdy. who's into the right things and out of the wrong ones. maybe he used to do them but not anymore. now he's more into being productive and movies and music- BUT NOT IN A PRETENIOUS WAY. and he will read books i lend him and make me cds and i will knit him shit and he will hold my hand when appropriate. and we will have inside jokes. and it will be beautiful. our families will get along and one day we will have beautiful children who he will be in love with just as much as he is in love with me and just as much as i love our children. he will be the best father and still fun and energetic and enthusiastic. we will live in simbiosis. needing each other at all times. this is no longer about a specific person. this is just what i want. and hope for.

brianne has been staying over with aaron. i like having the room to myself. but it makes me lonely.

the lonely toons vs. the looney tunes.
(idea)

i've been writing in math class. i need to start doing that again. and submit to hyphen. and work on some shit for youtube. and standup. and spoken word.

i want home. i want this goddamn letter to come so i can get it over with. i don't want them to know about this one. i can feel my mom's heart breaking over it. it's terrible. i hope i never have a miscarriage. sidenote. i was just talking to my mom about it this weekend and it sounds devestating. i can't even imagine. i love people. i want to believe in goodness.

more importantly, i want bed. i want achieveable goals. high-set achievable goals. but for right now, just bed.

making hats. making money.

so i made this hat for brielle. and it's the most ridiculous thing ever. i've also discovered that i can make videos on my computer of whatever i damn well please. like this! i've been bombarding people with video messages. mostly me just talking and falling to look into the camera because i'm too preoccupied with how i look. i can make some weird friggin faces.

abby and beth bought wristlets from me today! huzzah huzzah! victory all over the place! businesssss! i felt bad because abby's broke right away? i need to really reinforce those suckas. and i apologized and told her i would fix it anytime. i think i'm going to try and start hanging out with those people because i like them a lot. speghetti next week. possibly themed parties. i need to figure out my rooming situation for next year. and the subsequent years. i don't know how i'm going to finangle this with brianne. i need to figure it out. awks all over the place when this convo does go down.

i'm going home tomorrow! joy joy joy joy! i get to see young drewsif and helen and kevin and the grandparents and aunt karen and route 22 and the flag pole and my target! i miss my suburbia. life was good. life is good.

i cried last night while i was watching so weird. at first it was just because it was a sad episode- a banshee had come for fi's grandfather, intending to bring him to his death. and she was trying to save him. and it was just very touching. then i started crying about my grandparents. and then i started crying about grandma mary. it was very odd. it felt good to cry though. even if it was next to my sleeping roommate in the glow of a television playing an old disney channel show. i'm going to hug them so long this weekend. i miss them and our days are numbered. as always. i just hate that it might happen while i'm away.

i love my family more with each passing day.

mercedes and i vented to each other today about brianne. it felt wonderful. not that i dislike brianne. it's just close quarters. it's hard to live with anyone. it's just nice to talk about it. it feels good to feel.

my socks are tinted purple cause of the rain. cheap ass sneakers bleeding on my socks.

huzzah huzzah! clarity and a visit from j-naz!

hot off the needles: brianne's cowl. a little flawed but beautiful nonetheless. i love the pattern on both sides. reversible. mmmmm.

it recently came to me. i knew it was there. i knew it's shape and it's scent was familiar. i just couldn't place it. what memory was associated it with it? it was more than just their pretentiousness or hipster-esque qualities. there was something about them, some vague personality quirk or aura that made me avoid eye contact and keep my mouth shut. i knew they would shut me down the second i said anything or come up with something for which i had no retort. and let's be honest, i'm pretty good with retorting. but there is a certain bred of person that has the ability to revert me to a shy preschooler on the first day of sunday school when all you want to do is hide behind your mom's leg and go into church with her and eat fruit snacks in the pew while everyone else sings and prays. i first noticed this distinction of our species junior year, upon my encounter with d. wesh. i was so thrown off my this elusive quality that i was unable to talk to him- perhaps even rude to him for fear that he was the enemy. it was strange. and now i've met two more of them. here at temple. at first i mistook it for general dislike. but then it came to me. this feeling like two hands squeezing my lungs or tightening around my throat. It's like that scene in Amedeus when all the aristocrats are laughing. it always freaks me out. laughing aristocrats who are clearly laughing because you are simple and silly, maybe even stupid and they can't believe that it is capable for a life form to function on such a low level. they mock your enthusiasm for things they've grown bored of. they snort at the comments you make, the way you consider your opinion to be valuable. pah ha ha.

i was lying there and it came to me. it's because they remind me of the upper grade boys at holy name. most notably david k. and thomas m. they way they would pretend like they were just talking to me but secretly mock me. lead me to say silly things. hannigan did it to. and conte. even mitch who is two years younger than me did it at the champ dance show last january. i have no idea why these people have this power. the ability to turn me into super spinster bitch or total silent dumbass girl. it's horrible. i had hoped i would grow out of it- people don't always make fun of other people do they? it can't be that much fun to make others feel inadequate- can it? maybe they don't even know they're doing it. the recent laughing aristocrats in my life certainly haven't been aware. it's a combination of their intellect and my paranoia that makes them so. away away away bad thoughts. come on in christmas spirit.

i'm so excited for christmas. gift making is starting already. the excitement is almost a symptom this year- it's manifesting itself in my bones and a release of some sort of chemical that makes me giddy and loud. just seeing friggin decorations is like some kind of sugar rush. i love this holiday. i'm beyond excited.

i've been listening to a boy named kevin's library every day. mostly elliott smith but sufjan too. i love "clementine" and "coming up roses". and sufjan's "romulus". i feel creepy sharing his library every day. maybe i should branch out. i just know its a safe choice and i'll find something i like in there.

i hope that God gives me this one. i think i'm going to try and go to church with jen ken next weekend. apparently all the mcdevitt kids get together and go to church on sunday? i was not informed of this. i think i'm going to try it out. at least for the sense of purpose and community. my mom cannot get that letter. she cant she cant she cant. i need to learn about moderation. i want to be able to live honestly.

jonas was at temple this morning. around ten i got a text- he's in the rite aid on broad street. the one by the fried chicken place. so i grabbed jen ken and we headed down to meet him. gabby was there too- i love familiar faces. (and the phrase 'familiar faces'. such good connotations) they were just passing through- gabby took off school to drive jonas to the philly train station so he can catch a train back to school. i missed his face. and goofy-ass laugh. and big head. it was nice to catch up if only for an hour or so in the freezing cold. i can't wait to see everyone at thanksgiving. major barry and kevin and ellen especially. it'll be nice to see kim too. i miss the old dynamics. having matt up for the weekend was a dream. the decemberists were a dream. i needed his energy. he loved philly. and i love him. and so it goes.

monday monday

not a good day. or maybe just not a good night. it's one of those lonely mother fucker nights where the mopey-ness only creates more mopey-ness. i get sad and dwell and decide not to leave the room which certainly doesn't help the situation. just makes me more sad. it's not good. i just feel completely incapable of making friends. i either seem overly eager or like a distant bitch. there is apparently no happy medium. this needs work. i want friends who i can be the person i want to be around. which sounds really dorky. i feel like maybe i should work on liking myself and doing self-fulfilling things before concerning myself with why others don't like me. that doesn't seem healthy or productive.  i've known people like brianne before and i'm never fully sure how i feel about them. they seem to only have extremes. they're either having bitchin' times and in love with everyone or they're really sad or angry or think everyone is dumb or hates them. only really high highs and really low lows.  i'm slightly envious at times. during the lows, not so much. i remain pretty level-headed and in the middle with my moods. maybe this is why i'm not attractive as a friend prospect. not sure. not dwelling. going to do my own thing and other shit will fall in place.

in other news, i'm in need of some action. everyone seems like a prospect. standards are being lowered. this is a bad situation. 

i just want a job that i love and a solid, bearded husband with a stable job and two or three beautiful, healthy children and a home that i can love and decorate and make things in and a group of friends who will come over to cook dinner with me and get tipsy off wine on the back porch with me. my parents lifestyle is becoming more and more enviable. i want love and stability. i'm aging.

it'll be so odd not to have christmas at their house anymore. i don't like being away. i don't know how i will handle it when it happens for either of them. considering i generally tear up at the very thought. if that happens i will just want to hold my grandpa for a long long time. seeing him cry would really set me off. i'm no good at this. no good no good no good. 

just a sunday

woke up hella fucking late today. like. one in the afternoon. which is absolutely unheard of for me. went into the city with julie bare and brianne and kevin. seperated from the group in search of cheap ass boots. i am absolutely the worst shopper in the world. i'm completely intimidated by salespeople and other customers. i pace. i sweat. i'm indecisive. i spent an hour in one store just walking up and down and holding different shoes and walking with said shoes and thinking and not making any decisions. tomorrow i think i'm going back to buy the one pair. they're kind of ugly. but meh. i just need the warmth of boots. i love having warm feet in cold weather. it's a new sensation for me. same back home. put in the big lebowski. fell asleep promptly after. woke up around 8:30. friends join. snuggling ensued. movies were viewed in succession. annie hall then being john malkovich. we need more movies in our collection. woke up and putzed around. i won't be able to sleep again. and i need to wake up early tomorrow morning to accomplish some things. 

in other news my halloween costume options have been narrowed down:

1. alex from a clockwork orange. suspenders and canes fucking rock. and i could wear sweet ass fake eyelashes. a little too pretentious perhaps? perhaps.

2. klaus from team zissou. light blue shirt and shorts. red hat. fake gun. ta. da. again, a little pretentious. and i feel like this would be better with a group.

3. high waisted cut-offs. hot pink bra. sleezy top over that. ratted up hair. over the top sloppy ass make up. chain smoking cigarettes. when they ask me what i am i say 'yer mom'. delightful. definitely a possibility. 

i'm hyped for of montreal on friday. and decemberists on the friday after that. a little jealous of the ease with which brianne seems to make friends. i don't know when i became so bad at this. i understand though. my outward personality does not lend itself to friends. people don't want to know me all that badly. i seem very bland. maybe i am bland? it's a possibility. i just want some good ass homies that will come over and get crunk with me on weeknights. we can chill and knit and watch movies and bitch and craft and get our drink on. or make food. i miss the 717. transition. remember.  

blackouts and knitting

moderately good friday night. 

went to rons with alex, julie, mercedes, and mike. two cups of gin bucket, one shot of something blue, one shot of rum, a 50/50 rum and coke, and a shot of vodka later, things got real fuzzy. apparently i let sketchy-ass mitch and behar smoke in my room? weird. no bueno. not good at all. what freaks me out the most is i don't know what i said to them. and i say weird ass shit when i'm gone. apparently i also met someone who is friends with mariel (what are the odds) and proceeded to tell him that i hooked up with joe who is kind of going out with mariel. mistakes abound. i'm done for a while. until next week most likely. i just want to be able to party with good friends. that's the best. i miss that. you win some  you lose some apparently. 

on a brighter note, i went thrifting with julie and mercedes today. acquired some choice cardigans. one beautiful cherry colored one with giant gold buttons. so good! i also picked up some old national geographics which are always beautiful finds. came home and it was rainy rainy blah weather. so we all cuddled up and watched robin hood men in tights then the princess bride. i finished knitting jimmy's hat! it is beautiful! he looks beautiful in it! i love him mucho mas. i think we're going to do some more movie watching tonight. then some more knitting. crazy saturday night. you win some you lose some. it's been one of those lonely type days. i was all over poor mike last night who actually seems like a really nice, legit person. and i tried to hit on some guy in a green shirt with the line "you shirt would work very effectively on a green screen". fail. social skills = faltering. to be worked on for sure. it's right up there with the el sorcho fiasco. i guess i just assume that everyone wants to make friends as much as i do. it'll get better. TRANSITION.

reunion in the steel city

so i made the ridiculously heinous trip to pittsburgh this past weekend with corrie and anna in tow. our time tally looks like this:

one hour to the wrong train station

one hour waiting at said train station 

two hours home

half and hour eating and catching up with my mom

four hours driving to pittsburgh.

totally worth it though. we got to see tasia and jayda and eric (who has grown some ridiculous facial hair in the past two months. like. crazy goatee and french mustache. and his hair is puffy and out of control. and he was wearing flannel pajama pants which just added to his ridiculous appearance) and tyler and fisher and sarah and ally and joe. so many people. when ally and sarah rolled up to pitt we all screamed and ran into the street and hopped into their car (they were stopped at a red light).  all sorts of adventures ensued which i won't completely detail but it was just so nice to see everyone again. i know i can keep in touch with them online or through the mail and i definitely do but it's so nice to see them in real life. just being in their presence made me so happy and grateful to have them in my life. i'm becoming one of those uncontrollable smiling people. when i see certain people that i love i just can't stop smiling. when my parents and brother came to visit me a few weeks ago even though i knew they were all in horrible, pissy moods because of traffic i just couldn't get the stupid grin off my face. i have grown to love people from home so much. it feels wonderful. 

in other news, i've joined some clubs. hyphen, the literary magazine where i get to read and help judge submissions; honors activities board, where i'm the freshman housing representative so i get to do all sorts of odd jobs and be the main correspondent between honors and the freshman and help plan things; and TUComedy, which means improv and being around funny people and hopefully getting funnier. the one girl who runs it is ridiculously funny and so put together- she has her shit down. standup routine. youtube videos. it's really inspiring. i need to start getting things together. like

-christmas gifts

-more etsy-ing

-new zine

-more traveling!

-more improv and standup and videos! 

-silk screening!

just more of everything. no more naps. no more sitting. constant motion. 

AGITATE AGITATE AGITATE.