i haven't left my room in over twelve hours. i've been consumed with knitting and so weird. but it was warm and it felt good. i did what my body told me to (i didn't mean to do you harm.)
every time i pin down what i think i want it slips away. the ghost slips away.
oh pinkerton. how you own me.
i finished the scarf of doom for alessio. it is glorious and wide and long and warm. he will most likely drown in it. or suffocate. it's beautiful. i started on aunt jen's cowl. it' s very romantic looking. i love cream. i love knit lace. i love cowls. beautiful. next is matt's cowl. then grandma's hat. then a cowl for me. then sewing a bajillion things. i'm excited for christmas this year. as always. but it's ridiculous this year.
my mom said something sunday morning about my grandma possibly not even making it into the new house. which is supposed to happen in february or early spring. i didn't even consider it a possibility. i always thought it would be another year or two. but it as bad on sunday. she was having a lot of trouble breathing. she looks tired. grandpa looks tired. i almost cried when i looked at her during dinner. i almost cried when my mom made that comment sunday morning. i'm starting to cry now. i can't imagine it actually happening. i don't think i'll ever be ready for it. i was just thinking about how amazing it is that people live to be so old and die of disease or old age. old age preferably. but there are so many other ways to die young. it's a miricle that i still have my grandparents. drew and i will be destroyed.
i have issues with talking to boys. i worry that i won't ever get married due to my inital shyness or the fact that i often come off as a bitch. the shyness is a side-effect of my bitch paranoia: i just don't say anything for fear of being percieved as bossy or stupid or ignorant or whatevssssss. he's cute though. and he lives in the edge. and he seems genuinely nice. i could make food in his kitchen. he seems like a gentleman too. do i just go up and ask him out? does that really happen other than nineties teen movies? negative. i really don't think so. i've never seen that. you have to be subtle. stalk enough to figure out how to run into him accidentally. as though fate had it in store for you. bullshit yo. i just want to ask that homie out. he's a fox. not even. he just looks like someone fun and sturdy. who's into the right things and out of the wrong ones. maybe he used to do them but not anymore. now he's more into being productive and movies and music- BUT NOT IN A PRETENIOUS WAY. and he will read books i lend him and make me cds and i will knit him shit and he will hold my hand when appropriate. and we will have inside jokes. and it will be beautiful. our families will get along and one day we will have beautiful children who he will be in love with just as much as he is in love with me and just as much as i love our children. he will be the best father and still fun and energetic and enthusiastic. we will live in simbiosis. needing each other at all times. this is no longer about a specific person. this is just what i want. and hope for.
brianne has been staying over with aaron. i like having the room to myself. but it makes me lonely.
the lonely toons vs. the looney tunes.
(idea)
i've been writing in math class. i need to start doing that again. and submit to hyphen. and work on some shit for youtube. and standup. and spoken word.
i want home. i want this goddamn letter to come so i can get it over with. i don't want them to know about this one. i can feel my mom's heart breaking over it. it's terrible. i hope i never have a miscarriage. sidenote. i was just talking to my mom about it this weekend and it sounds devestating. i can't even imagine. i love people. i want to believe in goodness.
more importantly, i want bed. i want achieveable goals. high-set achievable goals. but for right now, just bed.
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