hot off the needles: brianne's cowl. a little flawed but beautiful nonetheless. i love the pattern on both sides. reversible. mmmmm.
it recently came to me. i knew it was there. i knew it's shape and it's scent was familiar. i just couldn't place it. what memory was associated it with it? it was more than just their pretentiousness or hipster-esque qualities. there was something about them, some vague personality quirk or aura that made me avoid eye contact and keep my mouth shut. i knew they would shut me down the second i said anything or come up with something for which i had no retort. and let's be honest, i'm pretty good with retorting. but there is a certain bred of person that has the ability to revert me to a shy preschooler on the first day of sunday school when all you want to do is hide behind your mom's leg and go into church with her and eat fruit snacks in the pew while everyone else sings and prays. i first noticed this distinction of our species junior year, upon my encounter with d. wesh. i was so thrown off my this elusive quality that i was unable to talk to him- perhaps even rude to him for fear that he was the enemy. it was strange. and now i've met two more of them. here at temple. at first i mistook it for general dislike. but then it came to me. this feeling like two hands squeezing my lungs or tightening around my throat. It's like that scene in Amedeus when all the aristocrats are laughing. it always freaks me out. laughing aristocrats who are clearly laughing because you are simple and silly, maybe even stupid and they can't believe that it is capable for a life form to function on such a low level. they mock your enthusiasm for things they've grown bored of. they snort at the comments you make, the way you consider your opinion to be valuable. pah ha ha.
i was lying there and it came to me. it's because they remind me of the upper grade boys at holy name. most notably david k. and thomas m. they way they would pretend like they were just talking to me but secretly mock me. lead me to say silly things. hannigan did it to. and conte. even mitch who is two years younger than me did it at the champ dance show last january. i have no idea why these people have this power. the ability to turn me into super spinster bitch or total silent dumbass girl. it's horrible. i had hoped i would grow out of it- people don't always make fun of other people do they? it can't be that much fun to make others feel inadequate- can it? maybe they don't even know they're doing it. the recent laughing aristocrats in my life certainly haven't been aware. it's a combination of their intellect and my paranoia that makes them so. away away away bad thoughts. come on in christmas spirit.
i'm so excited for christmas. gift making is starting already. the excitement is almost a symptom this year- it's manifesting itself in my bones and a release of some sort of chemical that makes me giddy and loud. just seeing friggin decorations is like some kind of sugar rush. i love this holiday. i'm beyond excited.
i've been listening to a boy named kevin's library every day. mostly elliott smith but sufjan too. i love "clementine" and "coming up roses". and sufjan's "romulus". i feel creepy sharing his library every day. maybe i should branch out. i just know its a safe choice and i'll find something i like in there.
i hope that God gives me this one. i think i'm going to try and go to church with jen ken next weekend. apparently all the mcdevitt kids get together and go to church on sunday? i was not informed of this. i think i'm going to try it out. at least for the sense of purpose and community. my mom cannot get that letter. she cant she cant she cant. i need to learn about moderation. i want to be able to live honestly.
jonas was at temple this morning. around ten i got a text- he's in the rite aid on broad street. the one by the fried chicken place. so i grabbed jen ken and we headed down to meet him. gabby was there too- i love familiar faces. (and the phrase 'familiar faces'. such good connotations) they were just passing through- gabby took off school to drive jonas to the philly train station so he can catch a train back to school. i missed his face. and goofy-ass laugh. and big head. it was nice to catch up if only for an hour or so in the freezing cold. i can't wait to see everyone at thanksgiving. major barry and kevin and ellen especially. it'll be nice to see kim too. i miss the old dynamics. having matt up for the weekend was a dream. the decemberists were a dream. i needed his energy. he loved philly. and i love him. and so it goes.
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