monday monday

not a good day. or maybe just not a good night. it's one of those lonely mother fucker nights where the mopey-ness only creates more mopey-ness. i get sad and dwell and decide not to leave the room which certainly doesn't help the situation. just makes me more sad. it's not good. i just feel completely incapable of making friends. i either seem overly eager or like a distant bitch. there is apparently no happy medium. this needs work. i want friends who i can be the person i want to be around. which sounds really dorky. i feel like maybe i should work on liking myself and doing self-fulfilling things before concerning myself with why others don't like me. that doesn't seem healthy or productive.  i've known people like brianne before and i'm never fully sure how i feel about them. they seem to only have extremes. they're either having bitchin' times and in love with everyone or they're really sad or angry or think everyone is dumb or hates them. only really high highs and really low lows.  i'm slightly envious at times. during the lows, not so much. i remain pretty level-headed and in the middle with my moods. maybe this is why i'm not attractive as a friend prospect. not sure. not dwelling. going to do my own thing and other shit will fall in place.

in other news, i'm in need of some action. everyone seems like a prospect. standards are being lowered. this is a bad situation. 

i just want a job that i love and a solid, bearded husband with a stable job and two or three beautiful, healthy children and a home that i can love and decorate and make things in and a group of friends who will come over to cook dinner with me and get tipsy off wine on the back porch with me. my parents lifestyle is becoming more and more enviable. i want love and stability. i'm aging.

it'll be so odd not to have christmas at their house anymore. i don't like being away. i don't know how i will handle it when it happens for either of them. considering i generally tear up at the very thought. if that happens i will just want to hold my grandpa for a long long time. seeing him cry would really set me off. i'm no good at this. no good no good no good.