mistakes abound in 09

{edit} macy gray has been stuck in my head for days.

other than that my weekend was delightful!
highlights:
-knocking over the shelf while trying to sedate mary
-mary sitting on my lap while i was peeing
-keiran falling in the shower
- making toast and buttering it with a spoon
- hallway reunion
- dance party
- seeing beth and company!
- washing dishes
-trying to get the keg man to fill a dirty pot up with beer
- not recognizing eric
- harassing that jim kid. who eventually called me out on how creepy i was being.
- finding the empty room and freaking out/dancing
-trying to get into another room with my key

{edit}

you win some you lose some. head held high. it's a sewing and movie weekend. next weekend may be a pittsburgh weekend. that would be sweet.

in other news: i've been going to the wrong cyberspace class. {edit} i haven't been sleeping well at all. like waking up in the middle of the night and having nightmares about blackboard.

i think i'm going to pull a madonna and reinvent myself.
despite how shitty saturday was, sunday was super fun and nice. as alex put it, "caitlin, you must be pretty cool when you're sober to have people put up with you when you're drunk." that's touching.

of montreal

back at school. it kind of feels like i never even left. odd. this week has been fairly boring due to the fact that i have no work yet. no homework. no projects or papers. and thus, no motivation to do anything really. just sleeping a lot. feeling like i don't have that many friends? or at least, no good friends? just a little self-pity for the second semester. i'm sure it'll pass. going out to ron's tonight. possibly somewhere else as well?

i'm excited for montreal. it will be beautiful. and full of booze and sights and experiences and food and grown-up-ness. i love that condo. it's glorious. lets go mayyyy!

lieutenant pinkerton forever

cause i'm a burning candle you're a gentle moth-
teaching me to lick a little bit kinder

twos dai

excited to go back. but kind of want to stay here forever.
making ten thousand flavors of resolutions.
gotta go up up up! forward forward forward! no looking back. maybe occasionally. and fondly. while leaning on my gun and wiping sweat from my brow, sunset fading behind me. then the helmet goes back on, gun slung across my back, and the forward march continues. progress for self's sake! for pete's sake! for janet and jesse's sake. better better better! everything will be new!

it was a relaxing day

i don't like crying. but only because of the way it makes my face looks and because it makes me hyperventilate and when i start i can't stop. but the actual physical process of crying is wonderful. i love the feeling before you start to cry. when you can feel it in your throat and your eyes kind of burn. it's wonderful. it's the same feeling you get when you tell someone off and really really scream. i used to scream in my car coming home or late at night. just to make sure i could do it. i never really have an opportunity to scream- like bloody murder, as loud as possible scream. and i wanted to make sure i could do it. and then i discovered how wonderful it feels. anytime i expel any great deal of emotion i feel wonderful. i feel physically lighter. 

it dawned on me today that anytime i really cry- not cry about broken microwaves or someone yelling at me or getting rejected from gov school (because those were the only other things that made me cry)- it's related to family. i don't cry about boys. if anything i just get angry and take a hammer to my garage (sidenote: i really do think i have an anger problem and i should probably learn to keep it in check so i don't go pummeling someone's face in with my bare fists). i cry just thinking about anyone in my family being sick or dying. it just really upsets me a lot. 

i also discovered that my favorite song is 'say it ain't so'. or it has definitely won a spot on my top five. possibly three. this revelation came in circuit city today.

another epiphany came to me this week as well though it definitely has occurred to me before. i'm a personality person! any guy who has ever liked me, has done so only after knowing me for an extended period of time. i am never one to attract guys with my looks. it's always personality. and i think that's okay. as long as i learn how to like them back. see, in most cases, it goes like this: i like guy; guy likes my friend; i give up on guy, end up becoming good friends with the guy, then three months to two years later, they like me. but generally by then i know too much about them to ever like them. kevin, eric, joe, neil. these are ones that come to mind. what a terrible cycle. i must break it.

'the cn tower belongs to the dead' is also on the top five. possibly three.

i'm on shuffle if you couldn't tell. 

tomorrow: 

casa

buy new needles

finish cleaning

run

silkscreen dvd

record rap

wii/burning neil's shit party. 

a good time will be had by all.

the good the good

is everywhere. i miss just being around people. i miss talking freely and loudly. not that i can't do that at school. i love my school friends. but i forgot how well i get along with my home friends. how odd we all are and yet how well we all mesh together.  liz used to always describe our school as having the typical cliques (though i never thought we were a very clique-y school i will agree there were traces of it) - we had jocks and potheads and nerds and cheerleaders and everything. and whenever we tried to think of what our group of friends was, there was no name for it. it was like all the leftover kids who didn't fit into any other groups ended up together. and for as bizarre as the combination was it worked so well. what other group of friends spends an hour discussing which mythological creatures they would date? no other friends. not with the fluidity that we have. not with the brilliant wit and stunning stupidity all entangled in the same conversation. i love pennsylvania. i love basements. i love driving and my friends and eating cakes with just forks. we never cut things. we all just share. i love sharing. 

i don't know what day of the week it is anymore

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