good things

 

happy spring ya turkeys! holy blog hibernation - it's been a while since I ventured into this territory. but i'm back! with a feeble attempt at a simpler blog design and big ol' pictures shot on my state-of-the-art i-phone! a technological marvel! 

 the photo is of some gorgeous blooms i picked up for myself at trader joes (main grocery store crush) around valentines day. sweet goddamn how i love having flowers in the house! six bucks at the grocery store - a quick impulse buy - and i feel like i'm living in the lap of luxary. i'm a lady who lunches or buys not just one (a feat!) but multiple things at anthropologie. i'm suddenly a person who might laugh in a convertible with a scarf blowing around my head or ride a bike in a full crinoline with a basket full of flowers and not look like i'm drenched in sweat. i'm a lady who can make fondant or buys make up at department stores. that whole lifestyle - for six bucks! oh trader joes. how you make the good things in life accessible for us little folk.

foods i'll always love

1. avocado
2. caramel
3. sweet potato fries
4. crab & cheese on an english muffin
5. august tomatoes from my parent's backyard

an ear lowering

guys, how much do you love haircuts? a lot, right? we're all on board with that. i love haircuts. though you won't be able to tell - i get it cut once a year. i typically treat my hair like a blanket that someone draped across my head. i think it's great that it's up there - it makes my large round face look less weird but i'm not about to start spending my time twirling it and applying product. so i just let it hang up there, like a furry veil. and out of nowhere, it'll just hit me that i haven't had a haircut in a long time and suddenly, shit gets urgent. IT NEEDS TO ALL BE GONE NOW! I AM LIVING LIKE A CAVEWOMAN OR AN EIGHTIES GLAM ROCKER! GIVE ME ALL THE SHARP THINGS AND LET ME TAKE CARE OF THIS SITUATION STAT!

so i sent up an appointment on monday. and i went. and i felt guilty that i ignore my 'do consistently. i made small talk with the fancy lady flashing the sheers. and now i'm sporting slightly shorter locks that feel infinitely lighter and healthier.

but the better part of getting a haircut? feeling like it's a fresh start. it's difficult to make changes to how you live or what your career path is or how you're perceived by your peers. but getting a haircut is immediate, and in your control, and noticeable. and if you can do that, maybe you can do all those other things. maybe this is a new version of yourself. this is the start of you finally becoming who you really are. (i've been watching mad men a lot, can you tell? i feel like i'm writing copy targeted at betty draper right now.)

so the long and short of it is (but more aptly short): i got my hair cut.

rice blind

sometimes, i'm extremely rude. i know you find this hard to believe, dear readers, because if you are reading this you are probably related to me and think i'm just swell & dandy & sweeter than a molasses covered marshmallow. this is not true.

sometimes i think i am the jason alexander of my friend group. and not the fun neurotic seinfeld jason; pretty woman jason. i'm not slapping julia roberts but i'm still the wet blanket of the group. squashing fun. acting as a nagging reminder of obligations and expectations.

yesterday, my dear roommate spilled rice on our counter. not just a few grains; a handful. just scattered across the counter like a bunch of armless, albino sunbathers on a private beach. i should have just sighed to myself and scooped them up and into the trash. but i didn't. i had to be a jason.

"hey ben? did you maybe spill some rice over here?"
"umm...i don't think so?"
"could you come look?"
"sure. oh yeah - i guess i did spill some. i didn't even see that."
"you didn't see that?! ARE YOU RICE BLIND?"

1) totally unnecessary
2) completely passive agressive
3) wtf is rice blind? i am losing my mind.

my inner ranting madman says SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY?! HOW DO YOU NOT SEE ALL THIS RICE ON THE COUNTER? AND WHAT'S THE EXPECTATION HERE? THAT A RICE FAIRY WILL FLY IN CAST A SPELL ON THE GRAINS, TURNING THEM INTO MORE RICE FAIRIES? YOU KNOW WE HAVE MICE, RIGHT? WHO DO YOU THINK IS CLEANING UP THIS RIIICCCCEEEEEEEE.

but i know i should shut that madman down. that it isn't a priority for some people. that it was an honest mistake that could have been handled much better. but there i go again. metaphorically slapping julia.

i'm so sorry pandora

 

i think one of the things that hurts my feelings most on a regular basis is the little box that pops up on pandora and asks, "are you still listening? we pay for every song and don't want to play our music to an empty room." it just hits me where it hurts. sometimes i read the first line like a small child, who wants me to watch them do a trick on the diving board but i'm too busy digging salsa out of the bottom of the jar so i miss it and they know i miss it so they climb out of the pool all wet and shivering and say "didja see it? were you watching?" in a mix between oliver's 'please sir i want some more' voice and the 'say it ain't so joe' kid's voice. and i'm left with salsa on my chin and no good explanation as to what happened. and pandora's generally right on this one - i did walk away from my computer to make hot chocolate. i did take off my headphone cause they were rubbing against my earrings but forgot to turn off the music. i'm a crummy person. i get it pandora. sheesh. 

but the next line they give me is just snarky. 'we don't like to play music to an empty room'. that's a sitcom girlfriend trying to start a fight kind of line. no, i get it pandora - i don't think anyone likes to play music to an empty room. but you're not really a person. i didn't hire a dj and then leave him in a closet spinning discs solo. i didn't order a 25 foot ice cream cake and let it melt at a graduation party. let's try to keep the snark levels down. all that sympathy and shame you won in the first line? lost by the second line. now i'm pissed at you pandora. now i'm glad i wasn't listening. because you're rude and you're making me feel like a jerk. i'm shutting you down pandora! i don't care about your feelings anymore! because you have been abusing my feels. rude.   

don't let me near an elevator

once upon a time, in a large corporate building, i was starving. like, i could feel my stomach acids eating away at the lining of my stomach kind of starving. so i went up to the cafeteria on the 43rd floor, piled my plate high at the salad bar in a way that only a person blinded by hunger can (my vision starts to blur and i think 'MUST. EAT. EVERYTHING. SURVIVAL.') and i pay and i start shoveling the food into my mouth as i get on the elevator with a bunch of women. i'm working on the problem but it's still not enough - maybe it hasn't reached my stomach yet, it's still being processed through my other tubes or whatever - i'm not a body expert. so my stomach is still pretty ornery. as we stop at the 38th floor and the doors open, my stomach emits a sound that i have never heard before. it's incredibly loud and almost metallic, like something the tin man might be capable of. the women in the elevator stop and look at one another.
"what was that?"
"maybe we should get out of this elevator.'"
"it doesn't sound safe - that sounded like something breaking."
"who has the number for maintenance?"
panic was breaking out in the elevator and the three corporate ladies were all prepared to be heroes, risking their lives to save the broken elevator shaft but i had to step forward.
"that was just my stomach."
this news was met with a small, relieved laugh, then looks of apprehension like 'who-let-this-hungry-robot-in-our-shiny-building-and-maybe-it's-not-her-stomach-but-another-robot-alien-under-her-shirt-transmitting-information-back-to-the-mothership', then slight pouting that they weren't going to be heroes. i kept quiet in my corner of the elevator and continued to shovel food into my mouth.  

22 year olds should not be allowed in the work space

 

i accidentally called 911 this week. whenever i dial out on my work phone, i have to dial '9' then '1' then the number. and this week, i forgot that the purpose of dialing that initial '1' was to start off the full phone number. so i dialed a second one, then a series of numbers and waited and waited and was annoyed that it seemed like it wasn't ringing, and then someone finally came on the other end and said 'DO YOU NEED THE POLICE?' and i didn't quite put together what was happening and thought it was strange that the person at RubberStamps.net was asking if I needed the police. Then I realized what happened and reassured the person that I absolutely did not need the police, just needed to talk to someone about custom rubber stamps. Maybe some day I will grow out of this. 

do you guys use exclamation points in your emails? i throw them around like ms. deen throws around butter. 'hey blergyblerg! i can definitely work on this! just let me know the details! thanks!' i think i come across sounding like an enthusiastic golden retriever - you can literally see my virtual tail wagging as you read the sentences - but using just periods sounds so cold and sterile. 'hey blergyblerg. i can work on that. (BUT I DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE I AM EVIL) just let me know the details. (FOR THE MURDER PLOT) thanks. (NOT REALLY THOUGH - SARCASTIC THANKS)' i feel like the periods only email makes me sound like daria with more sinister intentions. and if my options are apathetic hit man or golden retriever hopped up on mountain dew and team spirit, I think I prefer the latter. 

i get extremely overwhelmed in the elevator. mostly because there are always a lot of people in grays and blacks and suits without wrinkles and i'm always hopping in looking like rainbow brite at an outdoor music festival. (i would like to blame television for this one - they convinced me everyone would be much more adventurous in their attire. cough::lizzie mcguire::cough) i also frequently get the 'close doors' and 'open doors' buttons mixed up so as a person races towards the elevator and i attempt to be helpful, i just end up shutting it in their face. i have made a lot of elevator enemies this way.