epiphanies i've had today

today on smile and wave, rachel featured a love story from jeremy (half of the jeremy&elsie couple). it pretty much detailed the beginnings of their courtship and all the cute things jeremy did to get elsie's attention. and it hit me- i forgot that guys like girls. that men pursue women. the boys get crushes. for some reason i had adopted the mentality that guys just float around doing whatever and it is entirely in the hands of women to make the first move and seek out the men. and while i'm 100% for ladies taking charge, i think i often take it a little overboard in my own personal life. i'm always thinking about what i could do for them, or what i could give them- i never think about the benefits of the relationship for me. it's supposed to be a two-way street kind of thing. it would be nice to be actively sought out by a guy- i feel like that's a clear indication that he likes you and obviously wants to be with you. and while this is most certainly not always the case, i feel like whenever i ask guys out, the thought process for them is "meh. i guess." i don't like that. i want the enthusiasm to be a shared thing. and for a guy to initiate that- it would be appreciated. i'm not saying roses and moonlight- just showing interest on a real level. if a guy brought me swedish fish and asked me to watch labyrinth, i would completely melt. it's that kind of stuff.

i also recently watched 'merchants of cool', a pbs documentary. (if you follow that link, you can watch the whole thing for free. a little old but still very valid.) in the documentary, the describe two archetypes created by teen television and promulgated by mtv/pop culture- the mook, and the midriff. the mook is the guy- the perpetually adolescent, irresponsible, goofing around with the boys kind. the tom green or the jackass guy. that's the model for male youth. and the midriff is the counterpart- the jaded, sexually mature female character. cynical at the age of 16 and already giving up on the concept of finding her prince. and while i don't think i believe in the prince thing, it's almost like we've done a complete 180 and lowered standards to a point that women don't even think they're deserving of the prince. just because he doesn't exist. though we may not directly emulate these two characters, they seep into our psyche (at least in my case) and really affect how we interact and build relationships with the opposite sex. the midriff allows the mook to exist. girls give up their ideal before they even look; guys feed off this and know they don't have to be ideal. that the girls will accommodate them and figure it's the best they can do.

obviously this isn't universal truth. it just really rang true in my own experiences. i'm sure there are nice guys out there but in all honesty, i haven't been looking. i've just been expecting guys to fit a role in which i have to be the one working to woo them. not true. imma let them suckas come to me. sure i'll still ask out my fair share of dudes- i do what i want yo. but i'm no longer going to put all the pressure on myself to make things work. i'm a down-to-mars chick. i know my self-worth. they can work for it a little bit.