my friend jon died a few weeks ago. it was really sudden and unexpected and late on a tuesday night and i had literally just seen him - he left my house around 10:30 and it didn't feel like a real thing or even a real possibility and it still doesn't, but it is. it was sad and is sad and will probably always be sad. it has made time seem nonexistant. like it was a long stick of hard candy, moving smoothly through the future and now it's smashed and i can't believe it was ever there.
when we found out, we all drove to his hometown in jersey. we all wanted to be together as if being together, in one place, in one room, ensured that no one else could go anywhere. we called other friends, more auxiliary members of our group, fringe folks, and told them the news. because what if they didn't find out and a month down the road at a party they asked about him? and also because i think we all needed to say it and say it calmly, as informers to solidify it in our own minds. to make it more of a fact and less of a terrible floating idea that was stuck in our throats.
a lot of the time i felt neutral. felt like it didn't even happen or like maybe i was just watching it on tv or as a movie. but then it would hit me and i would cry a lot. or i would see someone else i love crying and get upset. i learned that none of my friends are pretty criers. we are all some loud and ugly sad people.
there were also a lot of very funny parts of the experience. things that jon would have thought were hilarious and written sketches about him. things like pubescent boy scouts and lisping priests who mispronounce names and facebook posts with lyrics quoted. jon was a funny guy and it was so appropriate to laugh during everything.
i might post more on this later. i don't think it's a topic that i'll ever really be over. because it's not really a topic so much as a person.
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