adventures on the mighty susquehanna

helen has been on this kick recently about 'adventures'. that's all she wants to do- go on adventures. this usually translates into doing something outdoors, something that requires me to apply sunblock. but since her birthday was at the end of july, our family friend Wendy and I set out to plan an adventure for birthday Helley. most of the credit goes to Wendy who did the research and booked the kayaks; my main responsibility was the kidnapping. because we can't just tell her about the adventure; oh no. we have to make it a whoooolllllleeee ordeal. in the end, it went down like this:

i left the house, claiming to be going to my friend sarahs (even though i was wearing something completely uncharacteristic of me- shorts and t-shirt with sloppy keds), then picked up wendy, gary (her husband), and emma. the whole time i was fuh-reakin' out because my mother flat out refused to eat lunch. claimed she wasn't hungry. and i knew she'd be pissed if she went out on the river for three hours on an empty stomach, so i kept calling my dad yelling at him to make her a blt for the road (sidenote: my dad hates blts, and my mom thought it was realllly suspicious that he was making one which he claimed was for himself, but she still somehow didn't catch on.).

after picking up my accomplices, i called my mom and told her i left my bag inside, asking if she could bring it out to me so i didn't have to go inside (should have been another tip off because i never leave my bag). we rolled up onto the street blasting Wu Tang and whipped into the driveway (as my mother yelled at me slow down). my homies ran out of the van wearing thug hats (wendy) and panty hose (gary) then pushed helley in the van and blindfolded her. my dad came out at the same time, sandwich is tow, and hopped in the front seat. we forced her to eat the sandwich (we're pretty nice kidnappers) then drove her down to the river. she wasn't wearing any shoes and kept whining about it the whoooollleee time. when we got there, i proceeded to put on the pair of shoes i brought for her- what i thought were her water shoes- while she was still blindfolded. our exchange went like this:

mom: what are you putting on my feet?
me: your stupid water shoes! geez! be quiet!
mom: my water shoes?
me: yeah those goofy shoes that were in the dining room
mom: (ripping off her blindfold) those aren't my water shoes- those are your grandma's shoes!

apparently i had grabbed my grandma's suede slip on shoes- which, to my credit, look a lot like water shoes- that were chilling in the dining room after having cleaned out her closet. we proceeded to laugh hysterically (because that's generally how we handle screw-ups) and the kayak lady was kind enough to lend my mom some real shoes.

we all got life vested up, got dropped down the river, then had three hours to leisurely paddle back to city island. the water was literally only three feet deep (at the deepest- for the most part you could see the bottom.) and the current pretty much pushed you back to the island. harrisburg looked beauutttiful and the weather was absolutely perfect. we stopped on one of the islands in the river and ate some seriously smushed cupcakes and sang to the birthday queen. by the end, three members of our party had fallen into the susqu and we were all smelling pretty nasty (the mighty susqu has it's own special scent, reminiscent of the dumpster behind a long john silvers). we went home and relaxed and it was absolutely perfect.

on a much sadder note, half an hour after our adventure, gary had a heart attack and had to be rushed to the ER. the put two splits in his heart and he's getting better, but it was still very scary. gary's a hilarious guy and was still cracking jokes when we went to see him the next day. he claims it was the adrenaline rush from the kidnapping and claims he's turning in his doo-rag and sticking to more relaxing hobbies.