maybe i'm an orange peel. . .

i feel like a lot of my posting recently has just involved me gushing about how good the people in my life are. and this post is probably going to be exactly the same. because as i was driving back to harrisburg today, leaving behind a city full of people i love and care about, it occurred to me how in love in am with everyone in my life. i feel so incredibly blessed. i literally cannot imagine a more ideal life than the one i am living right now.

i often like to go through my recent call history and think about how long i've known people. most of the people i talk to on a daily basis i've only known since january. only became friends with them in march. yet i feel like we've been together so much longer. and then there's my home friends, who i have known forever and who are all such integral parts of who i am. our lives are literally so intertwined that i can't imagine living a life without them.

my going away party was last night in philly and it was so perfect. it was full of people i love, just sitting around and talking and dancing and making fun of each other and the door broke at one point so we were all trapped in the backyard and had to climb through the window to get in the house and there were sing-a-longs and people i've known for a long time and people i was just meeting for the second or even first time and everything about the evening makes me want to break out into a huge, goofy, involuntary smile. and when people left, we hugged, good, long, strong hugs. not hugs as a formality but the kind of hugs where you squeeze really hard as if the pressure you apply has to be consistent with the amount of love you wish to confer to the other person. and they were strong and steady and all seemed to say 'don't worry, this same hug will be waiting for you when you get back.'

i've always feared being forgotten and i have fleeting moments of it now. i don't like the thought of everything going on without me, as selfish and stupid as it sounds. i don't like thinking about all the fun they'll have, all the smash rehearsals, the improv shows, the lazy nights in the batcave, the insomnia after parties- i like to think that it'll all be put on hold. it obviously won't and it's stupid for me to want that. they're my friends and they should be having fun. it's just the jealous and saddness that creep into me thinking of not being there for all of it. but after last night, i feel like i can turn those feelings into something else. i have so much to come home to. i think last night was the night i officially decided that philly is my home. 5090 will obviously always be my childhood home and my original base, but when i think about flying 'home' in december, i see myself in philadelphia.

i just feel really full right now. not in the usual food way. but just totally full of emotions. i just can't stop smiling.